Welcome back fellow masochists to the weekly installment of what ABC calls “The Bachelor” but affectionately refer to “Better Ben than us.” As always, things will get fired up at 8 p.m., EST.
8:03 p.m. Panama City seems like a fitting backdrop for this episode of “The Bachelor,” since it is Ben’s hometown. Wait. What? That’s Sonoma? And San Francisco? Ah. My bad.
8:05 p.m. THANK you for finally having the nerve to say Kacie B. is annoying Courtney. Kudos to you for saying what we’ve all been thinking.
8:17 p.m. Sorry. Internet problems. Kacie B. must have bored my Wi-Fi to sleep.
8:18 p.m. Ben is a sucker for a girl who loves “doing lots of stuff.” Like going to the grocery.
8:20 p.m. I would love to get Courtney and Bentley in the same room for five minutes just to see what would happen to the universe.
8:25 p.m. Ben couldn’t have found a longer boat? #smallpenis
8:26 p.m. Not to gun down your “man’s man” theory Jamie, but I’d be willing to bet the producers spent a solid three hours just showing Ben how to pull-start that engine.
8:30 p.m. I hate to side with a homicidal maniac but Courtney is right to not worry about hurting other people’s feelings. I mean, aren’t they supposedly there for one thing: fame? I mean Ben.
8:33 p.m. At this point, if the show took everybody to a children’s hospital I’m pretty sure Courtney would go topless. “I don’t know what all these square bitches are worried about,” she’d say to an IV holder thinking it’s a camera.
8:39 p.m. DOCTOR: “Blakely, this is never easy to say to a patient but you have three months to live.”
BLAKELY: “Oh. My. God. I LOOOOVE to dance!”
8:43 p.m. Poor Jamie. You’re going home because you are a chicken.
8:48 p.m. My wife and I were so hoping the conclusion to Emily’s little “There’s another man in my life,” talk was, “And that man is Jesus.”
8:51 p.m. TONIGHT’S COURTNEY NUGGET O’ WISDOM: “I respect you for telling me that to my face. But I will never respect you.”
8:58 p.m. Everything Blakeley says ends with a question mark? Have you noticed that? It really makes her sound smart?
9:02 p.m. BLAKELEY’S DANCE TIP NO. 18: Relax, keep your eyes up, and pretend your partner is a pole.
9:13 p.m. BLAKELEY: “And here’s the doll I made for you out of my pubic hair …”
9:35 p.m. Mew. Mew. Mew. Meeeew. Mew. Mew. Ben. I wish I understood a single word Kacie was saying. Wait. No I don’t.
9:42 p.m. Ben keeps saying, “Can I see myself with this woman for the rest of my life?” Obviously he means “until Bachelor Pad starts.”
9:47 p.m. Finally! Jamie is absolutely KILLING IT right now! If she were auditioning for a part as an awkward auctioneer on a first date.
9:50 p.m. JAMIE: “OK, now you’re going to touch my left breast. Wait. Slow down. What are you doing? That’s my right! THIS IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO WORK! You still love me and would kill all the other girls for me though, right?”
9:59 p.m. I would say I did NOT see that coming but I pretty much called it at 8:43 p.m.
10:01 p.m. OK, a pretty weak episode. And then … Emily puts the exclamation point on the pile of Bachelor poop. Which must smell because Nikki is making a face …