I think it’s sweet that Emily took Nate and John to Medieval Times for their date. (Even though she was clearly dealing with one of her cross-eyed episodes.)
Right out of the gate we discover that Ryan is the new Bentley. The only difference being Ryan is less attractive, compelling, intelligent, creative, charming, witty, mature, deep, or charming. But other than that they are EXACTLY THE SAME.
Cue Chris Harrison and his purple cuffed Cam from “Modern Family” shirt, who gives the prerequisite tourism pitch (this time for Bermuda, an island that I’m pretty sure doesn’t need selling). From there we cut to Emily who for about the 50th time coveys to the audience that she really just wants somebody to forget to pull out while having sex with her. Babies this, babies that. Yeah, we get it, Emily. You want your own football team. Enough already.
Upon touching down in Bermuda, the guys/nerds show their sadness from being plucked from sizzling Charlotte by lining up on their scooters and attempting to wreck one other. Sadly, no one succeeds in this endeavor.
This week it’s Doug who lands the first date. Keeping up the trend of lame ass dates in this season, Emily takes him shopping. Naturally Doug gets excited because Doug sucks. Much to my surprise, Doug beats the over by making it an entire 37 seconds before talking about being a dad. As for the date highlights: The two walk through the concrete moon of romance and talk about a bunch of shit that put me to sleep two minutes in. Doug probably cried and Emily said she wanted more kids. I wouldn’t know because it was so goddamn boring it PUT ME IN A COMA.
This week’s group date is a sailboat race. Team red kills it at first. Then, the yellow teams passes them! Then, all of a sudden, it’s neck and neck! And then I remember I don’t give a shit who wins! YAY INDIFFERENCE! (In case you actually care my wife later told me that Team Yellow won and Team Red cried their way back to the hotel (looking at you, Charlie). As for the “winners,” Jef takes his opportunity with Emily to say the word “like” a Guinness record tying 876 times. Ryan shares his years or wisdom and breadth of experience (drawing on both touch football AND tackle football) to explain to Emily the responsibility of being the bachelorette, a position that most little girls often look up to as the bastion of chastity and honor.)
I come to just in time to see Jef, like, getting the rose.
On the fight-to-the-death/call-the-other-guy-a-rapist date, John and Nate square off to see who is less boring. They cheers 27 times because nobody ever knows what to do on these awkward things. Nate goes off to talk to Emily in what I assume is private, only my wife points out that it’s kind of tough to tell a secret in a cave. At the end of the date John ends up getting the rose because he’s not a crybaby.
Back at the bachelor pad Chris and Doug get into it, by which I mean Chris makes no sense and Doug somehow comes off not a dick. (A first.)
In the end Charlie and Michael get cut while mystifyingly Kalon and Fred Flintstone (Ryan and his square jaw) stick around for yet another episode while Emily looks phenomenal in her white pantsuit.
Somewhere in the distance, a dog bark. (And I contemplate killing myself for watching this terrible show.)
I’m no psychiatrist, but I’m pretty sure that if our man Tony here is spending all his time thinking about his son, it might be the perfect opportunity to trade some lumber with him. I’m thinking you could probably rip him off, BIG TIME.
This week’s episode opens with Emily enjoying a moment with her dad. Or so we think until they pan out and that 10-packs-a-day voice we hear is Mom’s. Yikes.
Back at the bachelor pad our gracious host Chris Harrison does his usual say a cornball cliche, drop a date card on the table and then back away from it like it’s a ticking time bomb. (Speaking of which, that would be great if they tried that sometime.) As usual, the double entendres are unbearable: “Love is a steady climb. -Emily.” Would it kill ABC to try something a little more direct like, “I’ve never been nailed in a harness. What say we scratch that one off the ole bucket list? -Emily”?
The recipient of said one-on-one date is Captain Personality, Chris. He and Emily have to climb a rope, literally 75 feet, all the way to the top of the building with only 13 safety officers helping them every step of the way. Somehow, against all odds, they make it to the top. My favorite part of the climb, if you can call it that, is how Emily cites one of the things she likes most about Chris is the fact that he was there for her. Not to completely pick apart your analysis Emily, but where exactly was he going to go?
Meanwhile, back at Crybaby Headquarters, Tony is on the phone with his son:
TONY: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin? Do you miss Daddy at all?”
OK, let’s play 7 cutdowns in 7 seconds:
TONY’S SON: “Who?”
“Do you miss being reassured by a 5-year-old at all?”
“Hey, that reminds me, did you give Emily my letter yet? She is so hot.”
“How did you get this number?”
“Daddy, please tell me you’re not using a tube of hair gel every day.”
“If you haven’t been crying on national television, then yes. Otherwise no.”
Back on the one-on-one date, after asking if he could kiss Emily during one of those painful hostage-at-gunpoint concerts ABC loves to throw in on the dates, Chris somehow manages to get a rose. Even though I think he’s boring and sucks, he gets points based on the fact that he’s not a complete dbag, like 90 percent of the other bachelors on this season.
(SIDE NOTE: I’m fairly certain I could write a top 10 country song. Work in something about a baby, work in the word ”baby,” mention a truck, a few dogs, a euphemism for a threesome, wrap it all up with “Dud’n ‘aaaaat turn yew on?” and you can just go ahead and engrave my name on the Grammy that I’ll be picking up while wearing a leather bracelet and my wife’s jeans.)
This week’s group date is more like group torture. The guys are subjected to a bunch of filthy screaming kids and annoying questions/sexual advances from Emily’s closest friends. After 30 seconds two things are abundantly clear:
The women toss all sorts of hard hitting questions at the guys like, “What do you feel like you have in common with her?” and “If you took her on a date what would you do?” Somehow the men survive this Spanish Inquisition and go on their merry ways. Except for Sean the insurance salesman, who I was almost 100% certain Emily’s married friend Wendy was going to try to fuck right there on the table. I hope he at least got a policy or two out of her.
A few takeaways from the group date: Ryan is a complete dipshit. He confirmed this with his comment that I’m sure most guys are thinking but never stupid enough to actually say, and that, to paraphrase is: “If you get fat I’ll probably love you a little less.” Though I admire his honesty, I’m pretty sure he hung himself with that one. Or solidified his spot in the final three. Only time will tell. Remember, this is the same woman that fell in love with Brad Womack.
The date concludes with Emily saying something she’s only said 48 other times in the history of the entire show: “This was one of my favorite dates.”
Somewhere off to the side Tony is crying. And crying. And just for good measure, topping it all off with a little more crying. Change of subject and not my proudest confession: I’m a Jef fan. Yes, even though he has stupid hair and is missing a J, I can’t help but like the guy.
Anyway, back to Tony: After much whining Emily mercifully sends him home. Although I’m not entirely sure Tony knew this was happening until he was actually in the limo being driven to the airport. In the moments before the rose ceremony Emily gives Sean the God-fearing insurance salesmen with the perfectly built/shaved chest a rose for surviving Hurricane Wendy. PRAISE JESUS!
The second one-on-one date is with Arie and it answers several burning questions, such as, “Is Emily turned off by the fact that Arie is a race car driver?” (No) and “How does one come up with a shittier date than flying to West Virginia?” (Take them to Dollywood!)
Much like Jef who is still looking for the other F, Arie seems like a nice guy. Which means he will probably … Emily’s boobs.
Sorry about that. Anyway, as I was saying, Arie seems like a perfect match, which means she’ll probably cut him next week. Meanwhile Dolly Parton gets wind that some highfalutin’ bitch is trying to outboob her at her own theme park (the nerve) so she comes out in an even tighter top and sings a song to Emily as if to say, “There’s only room for one rack on this stage, sister.”
After that score is settled Emily is free to screw with Arie and make him think she’s not going to give him a rose, showing us she’s not a complete square. Arie, meanwhile, shows us he’s not Don Draper by deciding to not beat the crap out her for pulling that kind of shit. Arie gets a rose, they dry hump each other, blah, blah, blah.
After the date is over everybody finds themselves back at the bachelor pad, where Kalon decides to charm Emily with his non-prescription glasses and loafers without socks along with a little charming condescension mixed in. Meanwhile Travis allows Emily to smash his ostrich egg along with what little personality he had. And finally, Alessandro learns the hard way that women don’t get all moist when you tell them you’re willing to “compromise” on the fact that they have a kid and that you will agree to date them anyway.
When all’s said and done, Kalon miraculously dodges yet another bullet and Stevie gets eliminated. But not without doing a little marketing by slipping Emily a card while explaining that his DJ fee is “very reasonable” should she (or Wendy) be looking to “par-tay.” (OK, I made that up. He actually slipped her the tongue. After Roofie-ing her.)
Please come back next week when we break down what appears to be (based on the 60 second preview) the gang visiting one of the more exotic beaches in Charlotte, lots of kissing, campfires, boats, air horns, sailing, and of course more of Ryan being a dick.
Now that I think about it I’m almost certain she’s going to pick him.
What follows is my best attempt to give a summary of Episode 2 (or what I like to refer to as, “The Learner’s Kermit”) along with any comments or questions made by my in-laws.
The episode opens in a puzzling way with a pseudo news story about how excited the city of Charlotte is to have ”The Bachelorette” being filmed there because they’re looking for some good exposure, a sentiment that the guy with the abs apparently shared all way the back in Episode 1. Quickly it moves onto a shot of Emily and her potential suitors, which naturally prompts my father-in-law to ask, “These people really get married?” (In answering this question I did some internal math and made the executive decision that 1 for 23 constitutes a “no” with a big laugh.) Date one features square jawed Ryan, with his confounding hair in Emily’s kitchen making cookies for Ricki’s soccer team. Naturally, when Emily leaves him in the car and walks out to share the fruits of their labor with the team my mother-in-law wonders aloud — and to be perfectly honest, I think she might have touched on the one legitimate concern we as viewers of this caliber of TV should have — “I certainly hope they don’t forget the Tupperware after the game.”
Emily’s comment toward the end of the date reminds me how annoying it is when the bachelor or bachelorette acts like they somehow planned the damn date themselves. “What? Oh THIS? Well, the band owed me a favor so I called them up to have them come play for just the two of us since we’re celebrating our 37-minute anniversary.” At the conclusion of the date my father-in-law — who my wife says has a solid track record of identifying corn balls on sight (wait …) — notes that Ryan doesn’t make good eye contact and thusly he’s not on the show for the right reasons (since he’s never seen the show before we’ll cut him some slack since he didn’t know that in “Bachelor” land the “right reasons” tend to be fame and to publicly show what a jackass you are). Using the classic interpretation of his comments however, I suspect my father-in-law is gonna end up being right. Only those suspicions won’t be confirmed until the “Bachelorette” finale when Emily explains to Chris and the live studio audience that Ryan, who proposed to her at the end of the final episode, subsequently tricked her into investing all her money in a new gravity-defying hair gel that allows you to look like you slept on your head even during your fifth set of power squats, broke up with her six weeks ago.
As we cut back to the rest of the guys hanging around the pool my mother-in-law says exactly what you’d expect a woman who’s been married for more than 40 years to be thinking when seeing a dozen or so shirtless and perfectly chiseled underwear models lounging by the pool: “I’m worried about them getting sunburned.”
Next up is the group date which I will try to gloss over as quickly as possible because I felt bad for the 13 guys who were invited on it due to the overwhelming sexual tension between Emily and Kermit. A few of the highlights: Chris Harrison’s incredible comedic timing, Emily’s ever growing boobs, and of course, Stevie’s hat.
Individual date No. 2 sees Emily and James Van Der Beek hopping on a jet to visit West Virginia, a state that is obviously near and dear to my heart. As they walk the halls of The Greenbrier I can’t help but think to myself, “Wow. Every room in this place looks like my grandmother’s bathroom.” The date ends abruptly when Dawson realizes Emily brought him on a date to FUCKING WEST VIRGINIA.
Back at the bachelor pad, the guys continue to pick on a largely-deserving Kalon, who I’m pretty sure was featured in Time magazine’s ”Up-And-Coming D-Bags of North America.” However, against all odds these jokers continue to pull off the seemingly impossible task of making Kalon look like the lesser of two douches. Tonight’s winner is Dad With The Note For Emily That Was Supposedly Wirtten By His Kid But I’m Betting He Actually Wrote Himself (for brevity’s sake I probably should have bothered to learn his name), who condescendingly berates Kalon by acting like being a parent is some sort of great honor (no offense, son), telling him to, quote, ”Stop. Check it!” somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 times. Naturally, this makes me vomit in my mouth.
As the episode comes to a close, Emily once again cuts all the wrong guys. In her defense, however, I’m betting she was still disoriented by this.
I promised — and I mean PROMISED — myself I wasn’t going to get sucked into the swirling public toilet that is “The Bachelorette” this season. I made this self-proclamation for two reasons: 1) Because a bunch of crazy women are WAY more fun to watch than a bunch of crazy men (which is why “Bachelor Pad” and “The Bachelor” are far more entertaining shows) and 2) I was faily confident that Emily would make a three-day conference on composting seem exciting.
And then it came on and I saw lil’ miss Barbie sitting there on a park bench, looking up and off into the wild, blue yonder, blinking incessantly because the TV crew had probably set up a 4 million candlepower light pointing directly in her eyes and two dozen or so industrial fans to make her hair stand straight out and I. Was. Hooked.
Damn you, ABC.
As it turns out … Emily? Yeah, not as boring as I thought. I mean, I don’t know about you but I don’t think I could have handled meeting a man dressed up as an old woman, a dude carrying an ostrich egg, a guy with hair taller than Conan O’Brien’s, a bug-eyed dad and his glass slipper, and a electric green shirt-wearing boombox toting guido attempting to dance/distract from having a seizure without busting out laughing and/or vomiting. So, I am willing to admit I might have been wrong about her. But before I start giving her too many high fives I must remind both my readers that this is still the same woman who fell in love with Brad “Deluxe Velveeta Package” Womack. (Steee-rike.)
The premiere was classic first episode matchmaking TV with plenty of over-the-top arrivals (skateboard, helicopter, etc.), chest puffing (DJ Guido pulling off the incredibly unlikely task of somehow making this guy look like the lesser of two douches), an awkward profession of love through a medium (this time it wasn’t a poem or a song but a reenactment via bobble head dolls), and of course the proverbial “She doesn’t know what she’s missing” guy (played by Captain Abs).
In the end though, I got the feeling that I’m going to be pleasantly surprised by this season since Emily kept quite a few of the really terrible guys and punted a few decent seeming ones. I am really hoping the DJ wins so that he can keep running back and forth from his iPod to the dance floor on his wedding night, all out of breath, going, “You … guys are going to love … this next one!”
Check back next week for my synopsis of episode 2 after what I hope are several awkward, “Oh, so, wait … Ricki’s really staying with us in the fantasy suite?” moments.