Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
And so begins another two-hour chunk of time that none of us will ever get back but we wouldn’t have it any other way (mainly because our IQs are somewhere between 2 and the number of Courtney’s eyebrow).
Let the cat fighting begin in 3 … 2 … 1 …
7:32 p.m. Just an aside: I love Sofia Vergara. (Honey, if you’re reading this, not in THAT way.)
8:03 p.m. You could almost hear the relief in Ben’s voice when he said, “I’m almost halfway through this nightmare. I mean journey.”
8:05 p.m. When Courtney says she can embarrass somebody I do not doubt her for a second considering how well she’s done it to herself.
8:09 p.m. FIRST 15 MINUTES OF EPISODE CHECKLIST: Gratuitous shot of ladies sunbathing. Check. Crazy chick getting dolled up for a date that probably won’t go as well as she thinks. Check. Ben wearing a V-neck shirt. Check.
8:13 p.m. After dressing like that I hope somebody beats the shit out of both of them, just on principle.
8:18 p.m. Ben just wants to propose one more time in his life. Well Ben, I think I speak for America when I say that picking from a pool of 25 women chosen not by you but by a group of writers and producers who chose based entirely on how likely the woman is to claw the eyeballs out of any other women who looks at them for more than 8 seconds without complementing what they’re wearing and not whether they are marriage material couldn’t possibly go wrong. Yep. I see good things coming of this, my man. No chance you have to propose a third time.
8:24 p.m. Instead of seeing a “fun and romantic side” of Blakeley, I think it’s more likely that Ben sees a female and a male side.
8:31 p.m. Based on what the women are wearing I find it hard to believe they were surprised when they didn’t pull up in front of Zales. Except Blakeley. I’m 99% certain she shops for jewelry in Spandex.
8:35 p.m. Based on the “cheddar” Ben is bringing from the mound I’m pretty sure he isn’t sure whether he’s left or right handed.
8:37 p.m. And Courtney gains a few points with the line: “Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”
8:40 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks it’s brilliant that Sonic has hot dogs ads during “The Bachelor”?
8:46 p.m. And with successive posts I have deftly demonstrated when to place a question mark inside the quotation marks and when to place it outside. Take it easy ladies, I’m married.
8:53 p.m. I think next season they shouldn’t allow the contestants to drink alcohol. Meth would be fine though.
8:54 p.m. Courtney, you need more time and a pair of tweezers.
8:58 p.m. These stupid AT&T commercials are so not ever funny ago.
9:04 p.m. I wish one of the ladies would be like, “I really love what you wrote on our date card,” and Ben’s all, “Yeah, thanks, I was up kind of late coming up with it,” and she’s like, “What was your favorite part?” and he’s like, “You know, um, the middle part?” and she’s like, “Yeah, me too” and he’s all, phew! and then she goes, “Will you recite it to me again,” and Ben shits his pants.
Yep, my mind is a scary place.
9:06 p.m. I swear I just saw Courtney in the boat being towed behind the yacht.
9:13 p.m. New proposal for these one-on-one dates: If a girl doesn’t get a rose she should have to pick up the check.
9:16 p.m. I love that they had Ben pick up the rose even though he was never going to give it to her.
9:19 p.m. And we have the obligatory David Gray’s “This Year’s Love.” ABC must have paid $52 million for the rights to this song so they’re not only going to play it in every single episode but they also made Ben learn how to play it on the piano.
9:23 p.m. SERIES IDEA NO. 147: Women who don’t get a rose should be relegated to ABC’s new sister show, “The Rebound” where they vie for the hand/try to get out of the barbed-wire-surrounded compound of my buddy Reid.
9:34 p.m. If you chopped Courtney’s head off … and then her arms … and then put her body in a trunk and shipped it to Indonesia, she’d be an OK girl to date. For a week.
9:39 p.m. BLAKELEY: “Oh. And I have a penis.”
BEN: “Rad.”
9:53 p.m. I am still hopeful that Ben will say, “Courtney, will you accept this rose being held by these police officers who are here to escort you to a maximum security prison?”
9:55 p.m. And the drama continues bitches! Courtney v. Emily v. Ben’s Penis.
9:57 p.m. Jennifer asks what she did wrong. Well, sister, you didn’t wear big enough earrings. There, are you happy? You made me say it.
10:02 p.m. And in closing, that’s totally Courtney’s hand.
Or Oprah’s.
This entry was written by , posted on January 30, 2012 at 8:15 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", bachelorettes, Ben, Bryce Donovan, Crazy Train, unibrow. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
You know the drill. The ladies make asses of themselves (I’m looking at you, Courtney and Erika. Well, mainly Courtney because I can’t figure out how to look at Erika. It’s like having a staring contest with a squirrel) while Ben convinces himself that the pickins really aren’t that slim. Meanwhile, we sit back on our couches and thank god they were all willing to do this on national television.
7:21 p.m. And the countdown is on …
8:02 p.m. And 60 seconds in Courtney quotes one of the great literary minds of our generation: Charlie Sheen.
8:07 p.m. I’m just going to say what everybody is thinking: BOOBS!
8:13 p.m. Kacie, look, I like you and I think you’re probably the best girlfriend material but you are coming off like a possessive weirdo with a guy that in all likelihood has no idea how to spell your name.
8:15 p.m. As my buddy Reid points out, Ben loves “these down to earth dates.” You know, the kind where you go to a remote lake in a helicopter. Yeah. Right there with ya, Ben.
8:22 p.m. Loosen up, Rachel. You’re simply on a first date with Rafael Nadal while the women you’re living with all are trying to poison you.
8:23 p.m. Another thing Ben might notice on his group date with Courtney: That she’s the first “model” to ever sport a unibrow.
8:24 p.m. Random thought: You know, just once, I’d love it if the date card didn’t have some sort of vague double entendre and said, “Can’t wait to go skydiving, drink three bottles of wine, and then bang you in the fantasy suite. –Ben.”
8:32 p.m. Ben always says, “I’ve got a great date planned,” like he spent the earlier part of the day on the phone and the internet setting everything up.
8:38 p.m. “He’s a beauty.” Yep. Best looking 8 oz. bream I’ve ever seen.
8:39 p.m. COURTNEY: “I’m gonna name this fish ‘All The Other Girls Are Whores’.”
BEN: “That’s a great na… Wait. What?”
8:45 p.m. Have you ever noticed that people who say they “live life to the fullest” are typically dental hygienists? No? Yeah, me neither.
8:49 p.m. Wait. Who’s the dude in the hat?
8:56 p.m. Jennifer should totally pick something by Color Me Badd. They have the most romantic songs.
9:01 p.m. Apparently my son doesn’t realize the importance of “The Bachelor” because he won’t stop coughing. I hate to do this to all you loyal blog followers but I’m going to have to stop. For five minutes so I can put him out in the back yard.
9:07 p.m. Whew. Much better. OK let’s do this.
9:08 p.m. So I think the real question here is which guy will Courtney have sex with/kill first on “Bachelor Pad, Season 3″?
9:11 p.m. I thought Ben was afraid of heights. Or is that just in California?
9:13 p.m. One string? Are you sure Jennifer? Because to me it looked like three. And two cables the size of telephone poles.
9:21 p.m. Wait, so Blakely’s a stripper AND a hairdresser? So confused …
9:26 p.m. STAT OF THE DAY: “The Biggest Loser” has produced more successful marriages than “The Bachelor.”
9:37 p.m. Serious question: How many penises do you think Courtney has cut off in her lifetime?
9:39 p.m. Sorry. Penii.
9:47 p.m. Normally I’d be in favor of some good old fashioned Grecco Roman wrestling when two bachelorettes disagree but for some reason I’m afraid this time it might end in homicide. Or at the very least dismemberment. Courtney scares me.
9:53 p.m. CHRIS: “Ladies. There are roses on a plate. If you get one, that’s a good thing. If you don’t, that’s bad. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go stand just off camera until one is left to remind you that there is only one rose left. Good luck. Smiles at camera.”
DIRECTOR: (Off camera) “CUT! Goddamn it, Harrison! How hard is this?!”
9:57 p.m. Wow. Emily. Is. Lucky. If Ben hadn’t given her a rose I’m 100% sure Courtney would have blown her limo up.
9:58 p.m. And so concludes another two hours of my life wasted. And it was totally awesome. Let’s do it again next week. Until then, say your goodbyes and get the hell out of here.
9:59 p.m. BONUS POST: Wait. Is Ben a drug dealer now?
This entry was written by , posted on January 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", bachelorettes, Ben, Bryce Donovan, Crazy Train, what's her butt. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Tonight we check back in with Ben and The House of Crazy. The anticipation for episode No. 3 is killing me. So let’s get right to it …
8:00 p.m. Run Ben. RUN!
8:01 p.m. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that I love San Francisco seeing as I’m live blogging about “The Bachelor.”
8:05 p.m. Chris Harrison is apparently wearing his dad’s jacket.
8:07 p.m. Courtney is so nice. Wait. No. Stupid autocorrect. I meant to say such a bitch.
8:11 p.m. Every single “Bachelor” they have a woman do something they’re terrified of. You’d think they’d eventually wise up and when asked their biggest fears during the screening say, “Having sex with the Bachelor” or “Eating sushi and having a massage.”
8:19 p.m. Quick Bachelor-speak translation: “explore” = “touch her boobs.”
8:22 p.m. So … she didn’t really clarify how the relationship with her brother turned out.
8:23 p.m. Casey S. is flying under the radar. Just sayin’.
8:25 p.m. I wish for once the Bachelor would be like, “Let’s just see how the sex goes before we go crazy and start handing out roses.”
8:26 p.m. Random bachelorette overheard during firework sequence: “I’m so sad right now …”
8:31 p.m. It’s gonna be real awkward in this household when the mystery woman who shows up is my mom.
8:32 p.m. I can tell you, from personal experience, that snow skiing with your girlfriend is right up there with having a root canal. Good luck, Ben. Gonna be a blast.
8:33 p.m. Nobody dressed like that on our ski trip.
8:35 p.m. I’m pretty sure Lindzi spells her name with one too many z’s. Also: That she’s a dude.
8:36 p.m. If I gave my wife a necklace like that she’s laugh in my face.
8:37 p.m. My wife is so pissed that our CR-V doesn’t look like that. I, on the other hand, am pissed that my favorite show is being cheapened by product placement.
8:42 p.m. He was totally going for a hug and she turned it into a kiss.
8:46 p.m. Grandma is gonna be PISSED.
8:47 p.m. I like Blakely’s understated earrings.
8:48 p.m. HA! She didn’t like the necklace either.
8:56 p.m. LindZZZZZZZEEEEE better get her/his tuck on for a night of dancing on the steps of some building with lots of stairs. (Thanks previews.)
9:00 p.m. I always love the awkwardness when these kinda-relevant artists have to play for an audience of two who are more concerned with feeling each other up than listening to their music.
9:01 p.m. I’m totally applying for the next Bachelor. I feel fairly confident he’ll be giving me the final rose.
9:02 p.m. LindZZZEEEEE should totally try wearing eyeliner. Wait …
9:05 p.m. Bachelor-speak translation No. 2: “I’d like to get to know her on a deeper level” means “Just the tip won’t be enough with this highfalutin’ lady.”
9:07 p.m. Give it to Ben, he has apparently learned one song on the piano, “Here to last” by David Gray and it makes him look like a pimp. Guaranteed the guy can’t find middle C on a keyboard. (This is the equivalent of the guy who wears non-prescription glasses to look smarter or deeper. Also known as “me.”)
9:18 p.m. Please be Chantal. Please be Chantal … CRAP! Wrong Chantal. Damn it!!!
9:30 p.m. This is spectacular.
9:32 p.m. The only real question now is what kind of squirrel is Erika.
9:35 p.m. I love that the girls are all pissed about Chantal coming on the show like there is some sort of stringent screening process.
9:44 p.m. “What’s her butt.”
9:47 p.m. “Ladies, Ben, in case you’re fucking blind, this is the final rose tonight.”
9:48 p.m. If this whole “Bachelor” thing doesn’t work out for Ben I think he can always be an EMT. “Can we, uh, like, get some water in here?”
9:57 p.m. In closing, Ben is quite the cowboy.
This entry was written by , posted on January 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, crazy ladies, uh-oh. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
OK, so this is a first for us here at the blog: We’re going to attempt to do a little live blogging. (I say “us” as if I have some sort of huge staff around here. … Wait a second. THAT. WAS. AWESOME. Best accidental TWSS ever.)
What exactly is live blogging, you ask? I have no idea. But for the purposes of this site we’re going to go with: updating the site with a running commentary in real time while watching the season finale of the most awesomely corny show on television.
Will it work? Will Brad pick Chantal? Will I spill my pina colada wine cooler on my laptop?
Tune into ABC and this very page at 8 p.m. and find out.
8:00 p.m.: BREAKING NEWS: Brad Womack is a cheddar log.
8:04 p.m.: My wife just noticed Brad is wearing the same color undershirt as his button up. Yeah. That’s the kind of hard-hitting shit we bring here.
8:06 p.m.: Chad and Brad? No f-ing way.
8:11 p.m.: I just crapped my pants when that doorbell went off because our seven-month-old is asleep and the dogs usually go bananas when that happens.
8:12 p.m.: What the hell is the lead singer of Rascal Flatts doing with Brad?
8:17 p.m.: Get a room ladies.
8:18 p.m.: I just farted.
8:20 p.m.: And now I just threw up when I saw that woman’s whitehead on the Clean & Clear commercial.
8:24 p.m.: Emily is easily West Virginia’s best export ever. So maybe Brad should pick her. But on the other hand: Boobs.
8:32 p.m.: How in the world are they going to milk this thing for another 90 minutes?
8:47 p.m.: Chantal is wearing a wet suit that would make a stripper blush.
8:50 p.m.: My wife just said, “those two look like dorks.” To which I replied: “Yeah, but they sit up really nice in that wet suit.”
9:07 p.m.: I really want to get Emily a hat. She’s killing me fixing her hair every six seconds in this wind. I also want to get Brad a ball gag because listening to him talk is painful.
9:18 p.m.: Brad makes a hostage at gunpoint seem calm and collected.
9:24 p.m.: Cue the cornball montage. And there’s my answer to the question posed at 8:32.
9:27 p.m.: I really wish the ring guy would ask at the end of his little presentation, “So, how are we going to be paying today?”
9:29 p.m.: And now we have the diary writing montage. Classic.
9:32 p.m.: Emily’s a confident little one wearing white to this rose ceremony.
9:33 p.m.: My wife just said it doesn’t matter who wins because he sent all the flat-chested girls home and, quote, “all big boobed girls look the same.”
9:40 p.m.: He’s picking Chantal!! Oh, no, that’s just his nose.
9:42 p.m.: I actually feel worse for Emily right now.
9:44 p.m.: I’m just waiting for Brad to say to Chantal, “Why are you crying?”
9:47 p.m.: My beagle just farted.
9:53 p.m.: Wait. Is it Chantel or Chantal?
9:57 p.m.: There’s got to be something better on.
9:59 p.m.: I would have killed for little Ricky to have run out and gone, “DON’T DO IT MOM!”
Well there you go. Our first live blog. For both of you out there who followed along, I sincerely thank you. And I’ll send those checks out tomorrow.
This entry was written by , posted on March 14, 2011 at 7:35 pm, filed under "The Bachelor" and tagged "The Bachelor", Chantal's rack, live blogging. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
OK, so I was all jacked up to write a blog entry about this douche rocket …
Courtesy ABC TV
… when all of a sudden, at 9:52 p.m., I realized my stupid f-ing DVR hadn’t recorded “The Women Tell All” episode of “The Bachelor.”
Talk. About. Pissed.
Adding insult to injury is the fact that I can’t believe I didn’t think to do running commentaries of each episode of this show earlier. (Just think how much fun I would have had last week blogging about when Brad said, “I’m letting you go” to Ashley H. and then somehow, against all logic, he seemed legitimately confused as to why she was pissed, asking, “What’s wrong?”)
On the bright side, however, I was able to catch the last 8 minutes of this week’s episode but all it was was a preview of next week’s episode as well as a bunch of stuff we already knew, namely:
So sadly there will be no additional commentary of this week’s episode. But be sure to check back next Tuesday for my first and last review of “The Douchelor.”
I promise I won’t be relying on my DVR.
This entry was written by , posted on March 7, 2011 at 11:33 pm, filed under "The Bachelor", "The DVR misses all" and tagged "The Bachelor", Brad Womack, douche. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
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