Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
So last Monday I decided to take a break from blogging about our favorite cheddar log, Ben Flajnik, not thinking it would matter because it was the stupid “Women Tell All If By All You Mean Nothing But We Gyp You Out Of Two Hours” episode of “The Bachelor,” but apparently that didn’t sit well with you, oh powerful reader.
(Pause.)
ReaderSSSUH. Because, um, it would be sad if I was just sitting here writing to my mom. (Just kidding Mom, I’m glad you said something.) Anyway, I heard you loud and clear and so I’m back with Zima wine cooler chardonnay Colt 45 in hand, loyal wife at my side, to bring you my idiotic comments from the season finale of “The Bachelor: Ben Flajnik Picks The Lady He Wants To Drag Through The Tabloid Mud With Him.” So let’s get out party hats on and root hard for LindZZZZZeee, mainly because we all know he’s gonna listen to Lil’ Ben and pick Courtney, who, I don’t know if you knew, is a model.
Game on!
(NOTE: In honor of LindZZZZeee, I’ve decided to replace all S’s from here on out with Z’s. Whoopz. I mean Z’z.)
7:57 p.m. First dilemma of the evening: I can’t decide whether to clip my toenailz or watch the first 5 minutez of tonight’z epizode.
8:00 p.m. Zeeing that “Lorax” commercial remindz me that I am 100 percent certain Danny Devito would have made a better Bachelor than Ben.
8:03 p.m. I feel like there was a zolid joke there with Courtney petting that cat but I’m too drunk to find it. Damn you Zima Colt 45! Aaaaaaand, cue David Effing Gray.
8:07 p.m. Ben’z Zizter just laughed when Ben zaid, “Zhe’z the one who rode up on a horze.” A bad zign if you azked me. (Note: I’m zwitching back to uzing S’z not becauze I don’t like the Z’z but becauze my ztupid autocorrect keepz changing all of them and I don’t have the patience to keep overruling it.)
8:13 p.m. LINDZZEEEE: “It’s a huge deal to look somebody you just met in the eye and tell them you’re in love with their son.” So true, girl. Especially if it’s their sister. (Drops fork. Walks off stage.)
8:20 p.m. I’m really regretting not choosing to clip my toenails.
8:24 p.m. Lucky for Courtney, Ben’s jacket is going to distract from her being a bitch.
8:26 p.m. Kudos to Ben’s sister for doing her best to make this episode not suck. As much.
8:29 p.m. Right now, in the direct sunlight, I’m pretty sure Ben’s sister is thinking, “What kind of model is she?”
8:32 p.m. “Way to go Ben’s Sweater! You did it! Ben’s mom and sister didn’t even recognize that Courtney was a manipulative beyotch! A-plus! Now, hop in the car and let’s go to dinner. I got us reservations at this great little Italian place called The Salvation Army.”
8:39 p.m. #WWBDD? (Ben’s Dad, not Bryce Donovan.)
8:41 p.m. I like to imagine all the times the family is parting ways and one of them says, “OK, love you too. See you in a minute” and the director gets pissed and yells “CUT!” because they need to reshoot the “reality TV” scene.
8:47 p.m. BEN: “I was thinking we could go skiing.”
LINDZZEEEE: “REALLY?!”
BEN: “Yeah. You can do it in North Carolina and I’ll do it here.”
LINDZEEEE: “Wait. What?”
BEN: (coughs) “I’m banging Courtney.”
8:56 p.m. MY WIFE: “Seriously? That was her dress from two episodes ago. Wait, are you typing that? Don’t say I said that. (Pause.) It might have been three weeks ago.”
9:03 p.m. During commercials my wife keeps playing this Russian Roulette game where she rewinds to see the parts she missed while I’m sitting there silently thinking, “Shit. Please hurry up and fast forward back to live so I can have some material to write about and don’t have to buy time by explaining to everybody how you are a blow up doll and that I actually sat on the stupid remote control.”
9:07 p.m. NO SHIT! A helicopter! They are pulling out all the stops for this episode!
9:08 p.m. I’m calling bullshit. I would argue that’s not even in your top 10 helicopter rides, Ben.
9:18 p.m. After Courtney just said, “I have a history of just giving and giving and guys just always took from me,” I’m 100 percent positive there are at least six guys sitting and home screaming “BULLSHIT!” at their TVs.
9:27 p.m. I still can’t wait for my favorite part of the finale: When the bachelor meets with the swarthy ring guy and he subtly says things like, “Ooooooorrrr, you could go with the Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring NLBDR Model Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring ring that is also available on Neil Lane Diamond Ring.com.”
9:29 p.m. My buddy Reid just asked, “Why did Courtney’s snow angel make an imprint of the devil?” EXcellent question.
9:31 p.m. Ah, the 8-minute montage of shit we’ve already seen 15 times so that they can sell six more ads at $50k a piece. Well played, ABC.
9:34 p.m. Oh. My. God. We have to wait 25 more minutes to see LindZZZeee cry? This is painful.
9:42 p.m. Well hello, Gandolph.
9:45 p.m. Even though I knew this was going to happen, it’s still painful to watch. Consider yourself lucky, LindZZZZeee.
9:47 p.m. Props to LindZZZZeee for calling sloppy seconds.
9:55 p.m. Here comes OJ for the proposal.
9:59 p.m. Right now Courtney is thinking, “Oh. My. God … I’m WINNING!!”
10:01 p.m. Crap. I’ve got to do 60 more minutes of this?
10:03 p.m. Oh, yeah. That’s right. I am my own boss. I’M OUT BITCHES!!!! Enjoy the inevitable breakup that actually happened faster than I thought. And Ben, remember LindZZZZeee is waiting for your call.
This entry was written by , posted on March 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Bryce Donovan, chlamydia, Courtney the model, rose, the final train wreck. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
So we’re down to what “Bachelor” insiders (*giggle*) like to refer to as “The Skank 3.” What does that mean? Well, it means there’s a 1 in 1 chance that all of the ladies will fein surprise and go, “Oh, there’s a fantasy suite? Well … I guess I could stay for a little bit. (Pause.) Or maybe it’s a HUGE bit?” (Then they elbow Ben.)
So buckle up your monobrows and get ready for some serious dung throwing as the remaining three “ladies” vie for the crown of Mrs. 20th of 22nd Marriage to Fail. As always, the cat fight begins at 8:00 p.m. EST sharp. See you then …
8:01 p.m. Early call: LindZZZZZeee is going home. To look for the s missing from her name.
8:02 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks the only thing more boring that Ben as the Bachelor is Emily as the Bachelorette? ABC could print fucking money if they put Courtney and Bentley on the next one. (I am making the logical assumption that Courtney will get picked and then break up with Ben 18 minutes after the cameras stop rolling.)
8:06 p.m. Oh cool. Another flashback.
8:08 p.m. Best Bachelor montage ever: Courtney’s A Bitch Compilation, No. 14.
8:19 p.m. Not to gun you down, Nicki, but I could think of about 100 places that would be better to be in love than Switzerland. Just off the top of my head …
Albania
Algeria
American Samoa
Andorra
Angola
Anguilla
Antigua and Barbuda
Argentina
Aruba
Ashmore and Cartier Islands
Australia
Austria
The Bahamas
Barbados
Belgium
Belize
Bermuda
Bolivia
Bouvet Island
Brazil
British Virgin Islands
Canada
Cape Verde
Cayman Islands
Chile
Cook Islands
Coral Sea Islands
Costa Rica
Cote d’Ivoire
Cuba
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Dominica
Dominican Republic
Ecuador
Fiji
Finland
French Guiana
French Polynesia
Greece
Grenada
Guam
Hong Kong
Italy
Jamaica
Japan
Malta
Martinique
Mexico
Monaco
Morocco
Navassa Island
New Zealand
Nicaragua
Norfolk Island
Norway
Panama
Papua New Guinea
Peru
Philippines
Puerto Rico
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
Seychelles
Solomon Islands
Spain
Sweden
Thailand
Trinidad and Tobago
Turks and Caicos Islands
Dollywood
8:26 p.m. Whoa. Nicki accepted the In Tha Butt Suite invitation? I did NOT see that coming!
8:28 p.m. Nicki: “I don’t want him to have anything unanswered.” Translation: “No orifice is off limits tonight.”
8:32 p.m. A helicopter? A girl accepting the invitation to the Fantasy Suite? A date involving a girl who’s afraid of heights? This episode has EVERYTHING!*
*previous episodes had along with no discernible new ideas or concepts.
8:35 p.m. So do you think the producers just give Ben a couple of 32 oz. Gatorades and are like, “OK, now here’s LindZZZeee!”?
8:38 p.m. Could these two jokers have worn more ill-suitable footwear? Speaking of which, I can’t tell which is thicker: the leather on LindZZZeee’s boots or her makeup.
8:43 p.m. I wish the Fantasy Suite card said, “Interested in sloppy seconds?”
8:46 p.m. Is Ben going on CNN after dinner? #nicefuckingbowtie
8:48 p.m. I’ve decided that they should have Fantasy Suites starting Day One. UPSIDE: We’d be able to identify the how earlier. DOWNSIDE: Ha! Good one. There is no downside. UPSIDE NO. 2: Ben wouldn’t be able to walk for the entire second episode.
8:50 p.m. Ha! Awesome. LindZZZeee is the first this season to bust out the, “I’m not normally a skank who sleeps with a guy I’ve only been on five completely unrealistic dates with but this time is different because you’re only banging two other women that I know of.”
8:51 p.m. And that would be the voice of the baton twirler.
8:56 p.m. The only thing better than a mobile device that is in between the size of a phone and a tablet (Samsung Galaxy Note) is a regular-sized phone or tablet. Or a desktop computer. Or a Magic 8 Ball.
8:58 p.m. COURTNEY: “It’s one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been.” Better than Orlando or any of the other exotic places you’ve visited in your “modeling” career?
9:00 p.m. Why do girls continue to think the Bachelor has jack to do with anything that happens on any of the dates? Seriously, I’m betting this is how the pre-production meeting for this episode went:
PRODUCER: “OK, Ben, we’re going to take you and the ladies to Switzerland this week.”
BEN: “Cool, I love Ikea!”
9:14 p.m. This might be the first time in Bachelor history where the girl is like, “Why don’t you camera guys stick around?”
9:18 p.m. COURTNEY: “It doesn’t get much more romantic than this.” Oh how right you are, Courtney. I see lots of Netflix nights over skunked wine that couldn’t be sold to a restaurant in your future once the show is over. Wait. Who am I kidding. I see “Bachelor Pad” in your future. And I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
9:20 p.m. How many takes do you think it took them to get that exiting the theater shot without somebody’s cooch showing? Too far? Not far enough? I’m just going to assume you voted for No. 2.
9:27 p.m. Good thinking Kacie. These things always turn out well.
9:34 p.m. Ah the irony. How many people do you think have had sex on that hotel hallway floor Kacie is lying on?
9:49 p.m. OK Ben, let’s close this lame episode with a strong finish. See if all three ladies will go to the Fantasy Suite before you make your final decision. Or, at the very least, invite Chris Harrison up there with you.
9:51 p.m. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let Chris Harrison come back out after he gives out the first rose and go, “Ladies. Ben. This is the final rose of the night.”
9:56 p.m. Tonight’s two losers.
(NOTE: It appears LindZZZeeee is looking painfully at Nicki while Courtney is thinking, “Wait. Did I remember to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer?”)
10:00 p.m. OK gang, we’ll do it again next week when one of these women makes the biggest mistake of their lives.
This entry was written by , posted on February 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, cat fight, Courtney, probably divorce, the other ones. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
So we’re finally down to four. By which I mean our average IQ for watching this stupid show week after week in spite of the fact that we all know Ben will probably make a really bad choice in the end (*cough* Courtney) and be broken up by the time the finale airs. But much like the six-car pileup in the median on our way to work we can’t avert our eyes. So let’s get right to it …
8:01 p.m. I can’t wait to see the family Courtney rented from the modeling agency she supposedly works for.
8:03 p.m. I really wish Ben would have shown up on a horse of his own just to upstage LindZZZZeeee. Or better yet in a Hummer while eating a horse burger.
8:04 p.m. EARLY LEADER FOR QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Horses have been my life since … before I was born.” — LindZZZZZeeee
8:06 p.m. I hope Ben looks into the picnic basket and goes, “OK, so I’ve got horseradish sauce, Colt 45, Philly cream cheese, and, um, let’s see, Elmer’s glue so we can make macaroni art.”
8:14 p.m. Was the dog really riding on the back of the horse cart? Wait. Were they really racing horse carts? Wait. Is LindZZZeee really calling Ben her “boyfriend”?
8:22 p.m. I just said how this episode is dragging and my wife wisely pointed out that they rarely lead with the biggest train wreck. So smart, that woman (except for the whole saying “I do” thing). I am so glad we met each other on that reality dating show. I’ve said too much …
8:26 p.m Kacie: “I’m so excited to see Ben.” My wife: “Then WHY did you wear THAT?”
8:28 p.m. I had no idea baton twirling was so intensive. Kacie B. is completely out of breath after that 18 second number.
8:28 p.m. “And after that he sold sporting goods. So he was VERY involved in the community.” Well I think that goes without saying, Kacie B.
8:29 p.m. Is Kacie B. sporting the Bill Bellichick collection?
8:38 p.m. KACIE B’S DAD: “Ben, there’s something I’ve been waiting all night to ask you.”
BEN: (Gulps) “OK.”
KACIE B’S DAD: “Would you like an O’Douls?
8:42 p.m. Kacie B’s parents are ruining any shot she might have had at being miserable with Ben for seven weeks. And just as an aside, who the hell is glad somebody has concerns?
8:44 p.m. KACIE B’S DAD-TO-ENGLISH TRANSLATOR: Eez = is; Lof = life; Mm-K = don’t make me whoop your ass on national television, gurl.
8:48 p.m. I kind of feel like Activia is missing their core demographic by advertising during “The Bachelor.” Honestly, I thought ABC only allowed Zima and Tampax commercials to run. So confused …
8:52 p.m. Holy cliche machine! I fully expect them to take a Ford F-150 to a cigarette factory from here.
9:07 p.m. Annnnnd Dad makes the same mistake twice.
9:17 p.m. I like how Courtney’s dad matched his sweater vest with the tablecloth.
9:31 p.m. $100 says Courtney is drawing a picture of herself.
9:36 p.m. Another $100 says this mock wedding would be 500 times more enjoyable their actual one.
9:41 p.m. I hope that these hometown dates taught Ben some valuable lessons. Like that drinking is wrong, horses can solve all the world’s problems, and Courtney’s baby voice is so annoying it could even get Tim Tebow to commit double homicide.
9:55 p.m. Wow. I totally though Kacie B. was going to be one of the final two. But that whole “can’t have sex until you’ve been married for 25 years” thing that her mom and dad laid out to Ben might have been a deal breaker.
10:00 p.m. Tonight’s winner of the dodged-a-huge-bullet-but-doesn’t-know-it-yet sweepstakes.
See you at the crime scene again next week …
This entry was written by , posted on February 20, 2012 at 8:46 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, hoes, Hometown dates, imminent disaster. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Yes, I spelled both crazy and contest with a “k” but that’s just to underscore how effing crazy everybody is on this show (I’m including the seemingly normal blonde-headed Casey who was eliminated last week because Chris Harrison convinced her she was in love with another man; “Wait. Are you SURE you aren’t in love with your old boyfriend?” [waves hand and performs Jedi mind trick] “Oh, yeah. I guess I am.”).
But we love it and for that I say let’s do this again. Hold on tight, I’m calling at least one open hand slap to the face (not sure whether it will be girl on guy or girl on girl) tonight in 3 … 2 … 1 …
8:01 p.m. As if sensing the quality of upcoming programming, my dog just audibly farted.
8:06 p.m. Six minutes in and we already have tears. This is going to be a good episode. (Not to mention my prediction is starting to look good.)
8:11 p.m. Gay tank top sighting No. 2. (Waiting on the techno version of “This Year’s Love.”)
8:13 p.m. I really hope the helicopter goes up to 15,000 feet to drop them out.
8:15 p.m. What if I want to date BOTH the next bachelor and bachelorette?
8:19 p.m. In case there are any other people out there with an IQ under 30 I just need to say this to alleviate any confusion you might have: BEN IS NOT PLANNING THESE FUCKING DATES.
8:21 p.m. Just kidding. He totally plans them all. He also comes up with all those catchy panty-droppers like, “Do you Belize in love?”
8:24 p.m. Or — and I’m just spitballing here — you two could write a note that says, “Just got laid after drinking five bottles of wine.”‘
8:29 p.m. Humira ad constructive criticism: When playing Playstation 2 you don’t have to move around.
8:33 p.m. I REALLY wanted to see a montage of Ben air balling layups.
8:35 p.m. I can only guess Ben crapped his pants because I didn’t see anything spontaneous during that interaction.
8:39 p.m. QUICK EPISODE UPDATE: Commercials geared to women thus far: 14. Commercials geared to cats: 1. Commercials geared to men: 0. Why do I feel like somebody’s trying to tell me something about my choice of programming?
8:44 p.m. Just for the record, I don’t think a smart person every gets tired of being told they’re smart. On the flip side people with a mom who made them perform a one-man play entitled, “99.99 percent effective, yeah right; thanks Trojan,” do get tired of being asked to reprise that role every Christmas when my family is in town.
8:57 p.m. 5:1 odds that Courtney has Rufinol in her ring. (“Hey Ben, what’s that over there?”)
9:01 p.m. General male observation: Women who go from depressed to giddy are DEFINITELY the kind of woman you want to marry. Assuming you are never left alone with them and/or any sharp object.
9:02 p.m. Ben, I hate to call you on this one, but I’m pretty sure “your” expression, “Oh, my, dad” is ripped off from Will Ferrell playing Jesus on SNL. (Anyone who can find a link to this awesome video please e-mail me.)
9:15 p.m. As bad as I thought last week’s episode was this one is 10 times worse. I am strongly considering switching to “Two and a Half Men.”
9:16 p.m. Just joking. I haven’t had any blunt force trauma to my head so I would throw my coffee table through the TV before I watched that show.
9:21 p.m. Gay tank top No. 3.
9:22 p.m. At risk of getting all dorky here, I’m pretty sure those are nurse sharks (not sand sharks as Captain Outdoors called them) which would rather beach themselves to watch “Jaws” than attack a human being.
9:24 p.m. OK, my high school biology teacher just called me and he said not only am I a dork but he reminded me that I also got a D in his class.
9:41 p.m. SAT QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: Krazy: Glue:: Courtney:
A. Greece’s economy.
B. A see-saw with a fat kid on one side and nobody on the other.
C. Deez ____.
D. All of the above.
9:48 p.m. SPOILER ALERT!!!
BEN: “Courtney, can I talk to you for a second?”
COURTNEY: “Winning!”
BEN: “What?”
COURTNEY: “Smell ya later!”
BEN: “I’m not following you.”
COURTNEY: “I know you are but what am I?”
BEN: “You’re an idiot. But I’m keeping you around because you like taking your clothes off around me.”
9:53 p.m. And now the moment very few of us are still awake for …
9:58 p.m. YES!!!!!! HA HA!! YES!!!
9:59 p.m. Hard to believe this is the image of a winner.
Rachel, trust me when I tell you you came out ahead on this deal.
10:01 p.m. See you all next week. (Pause.) Don’t kid yourself. You’re gonna watch again.
This entry was written by , posted on February 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, buncha crazy chicks, insane, live blog, on second thought Ben's as crazy at the chicks, please more skinny dipping. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Welcome back fellow masochists to the weekly installment of what ABC calls “The Bachelor” but affectionately refer to “Better Ben than us.” As always, things will get fired up at 8 p.m., EST.
8:03 p.m. Panama City seems like a fitting backdrop for this episode of “The Bachelor,” since it is Ben’s hometown. Wait. What? That’s Sonoma? And San Francisco? Ah. My bad.
8:05 p.m. THANK you for finally having the nerve to say Kacie B. is annoying Courtney. Kudos to you for saying what we’ve all been thinking.
8:17 p.m. Sorry. Internet problems. Kacie B. must have bored my Wi-Fi to sleep.
8:18 p.m. Ben is a sucker for a girl who loves “doing lots of stuff.” Like going to the grocery.
8:20 p.m. I would love to get Courtney and Bentley in the same room for five minutes just to see what would happen to the universe.
8:25 p.m. Ben couldn’t have found a longer boat? #smallpenis
8:26 p.m. Not to gun down your “man’s man” theory Jamie, but I’d be willing to bet the producers spent a solid three hours just showing Ben how to pull-start that engine.
8:30 p.m. I hate to side with a homicidal maniac but Courtney is right to not worry about hurting other people’s feelings. I mean, aren’t they supposedly there for one thing: fame? I mean Ben.
8:33 p.m. At this point, if the show took everybody to a children’s hospital I’m pretty sure Courtney would go topless. “I don’t know what all these square bitches are worried about,” she’d say to an IV holder thinking it’s a camera.
8:39 p.m. DOCTOR: “Blakely, this is never easy to say to a patient but you have three months to live.”
BLAKELY: “Oh. My. God. I LOOOOVE to dance!”
8:43 p.m. Poor Jamie. You’re going home because you are a chicken.
8:48 p.m. My wife and I were so hoping the conclusion to Emily’s little “There’s another man in my life,” talk was, “And that man is Jesus.”
8:51 p.m. TONIGHT’S COURTNEY NUGGET O’ WISDOM: “I respect you for telling me that to my face. But I will never respect you.”
8:58 p.m. Everything Blakeley says ends with a question mark? Have you noticed that? It really makes her sound smart?
9:02 p.m. BLAKELEY’S DANCE TIP NO. 18: Relax, keep your eyes up, and pretend your partner is a pole.
9:13 p.m. BLAKELEY: “And here’s the doll I made for you out of my pubic hair …”
9:35 p.m. Mew. Mew. Mew. Meeeew. Mew. Mew. Ben. I wish I understood a single word Kacie was saying. Wait. No I don’t.
9:42 p.m. Ben keeps saying, “Can I see myself with this woman for the rest of my life?” Obviously he means “until Bachelor Pad starts.”
9:47 p.m. Finally! Jamie is absolutely KILLING IT right now! If she were auditioning for a part as an awkward auctioneer on a first date.
9:50 p.m. JAMIE: “OK, now you’re going to touch my left breast. Wait. Slow down. What are you doing? That’s my right! THIS IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO WORK! You still love me and would kill all the other girls for me though, right?”
9:59 p.m. I would say I did NOT see that coming but I pretty much called it at 8:43 p.m.
10:01 p.m. OK, a pretty weak episode. And then … Emily puts the exclamation point on the pile of Bachelor poop. Which must smell because Nikki is making a face …
This entry was written by , posted on February 6, 2012 at 8:04 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, live blog, train wreck, underwater beach sex. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Tweet, tweet
