Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
Yes, I spelled both crazy and contest with a “k” but that’s just to underscore how effing crazy everybody is on this show (I’m including the seemingly normal blonde-headed Casey who was eliminated last week because Chris Harrison convinced her she was in love with another man; “Wait. Are you SURE you aren’t in love with your old boyfriend?” [waves hand and performs Jedi mind trick] “Oh, yeah. I guess I am.”).
But we love it and for that I say let’s do this again. Hold on tight, I’m calling at least one open hand slap to the face (not sure whether it will be girl on guy or girl on girl) tonight in 3 … 2 … 1 …
8:01 p.m. As if sensing the quality of upcoming programming, my dog just audibly farted.
8:06 p.m. Six minutes in and we already have tears. This is going to be a good episode. (Not to mention my prediction is starting to look good.)
8:11 p.m. Gay tank top sighting No. 2. (Waiting on the techno version of “This Year’s Love.”)
8:13 p.m. I really hope the helicopter goes up to 15,000 feet to drop them out.
8:15 p.m. What if I want to date BOTH the next bachelor and bachelorette?
8:19 p.m. In case there are any other people out there with an IQ under 30 I just need to say this to alleviate any confusion you might have: BEN IS NOT PLANNING THESE FUCKING DATES.
8:21 p.m. Just kidding. He totally plans them all. He also comes up with all those catchy panty-droppers like, “Do you Belize in love?”
8:24 p.m. Or — and I’m just spitballing here — you two could write a note that says, “Just got laid after drinking five bottles of wine.”‘
8:29 p.m. Humira ad constructive criticism: When playing Playstation 2 you don’t have to move around.
8:33 p.m. I REALLY wanted to see a montage of Ben air balling layups.
8:35 p.m. I can only guess Ben crapped his pants because I didn’t see anything spontaneous during that interaction.
8:39 p.m. QUICK EPISODE UPDATE: Commercials geared to women thus far: 14. Commercials geared to cats: 1. Commercials geared to men: 0. Why do I feel like somebody’s trying to tell me something about my choice of programming?
8:44 p.m. Just for the record, I don’t think a smart person every gets tired of being told they’re smart. On the flip side people with a mom who made them perform a one-man play entitled, “99.99 percent effective, yeah right; thanks Trojan,” do get tired of being asked to reprise that role every Christmas when my family is in town.
8:57 p.m. 5:1 odds that Courtney has Rufinol in her ring. (“Hey Ben, what’s that over there?”)
9:01 p.m. General male observation: Women who go from depressed to giddy are DEFINITELY the kind of woman you want to marry. Assuming you are never left alone with them and/or any sharp object.
9:02 p.m. Ben, I hate to call you on this one, but I’m pretty sure “your” expression, “Oh, my, dad” is ripped off from Will Ferrell playing Jesus on SNL. (Anyone who can find a link to this awesome video please e-mail me.)
9:15 p.m. As bad as I thought last week’s episode was this one is 10 times worse. I am strongly considering switching to “Two and a Half Men.”
9:16 p.m. Just joking. I haven’t had any blunt force trauma to my head so I would throw my coffee table through the TV before I watched that show.
9:21 p.m. Gay tank top No. 3.
9:22 p.m. At risk of getting all dorky here, I’m pretty sure those are nurse sharks (not sand sharks as Captain Outdoors called them) which would rather beach themselves to watch “Jaws” than attack a human being.
9:24 p.m. OK, my high school biology teacher just called me and he said not only am I a dork but he reminded me that I also got a D in his class.
9:41 p.m. SAT QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: Krazy: Glue:: Courtney:
A. Greece’s economy.
B. A see-saw with a fat kid on one side and nobody on the other.
C. Deez ____.
D. All of the above.
9:48 p.m. SPOILER ALERT!!!
BEN: “Courtney, can I talk to you for a second?”
COURTNEY: “Winning!”
BEN: “What?”
COURTNEY: “Smell ya later!”
BEN: “I’m not following you.”
COURTNEY: “I know you are but what am I?”
BEN: “You’re an idiot. But I’m keeping you around because you like taking your clothes off around me.”
9:53 p.m. And now the moment very few of us are still awake for …
9:58 p.m. YES!!!!!! HA HA!! YES!!!
9:59 p.m. Hard to believe this is the image of a winner.
Rachel, trust me when I tell you you came out ahead on this deal.
10:01 p.m. See you all next week. (Pause.) Don’t kid yourself. You’re gonna watch again.
This entry was written by , posted on February 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, buncha crazy chicks, insane, live blog, on second thought Ben's as crazy at the chicks, please more skinny dipping. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Welcome back fellow masochists to the weekly installment of what ABC calls “The Bachelor” but affectionately refer to “Better Ben than us.” As always, things will get fired up at 8 p.m., EST.
8:03 p.m. Panama City seems like a fitting backdrop for this episode of “The Bachelor,” since it is Ben’s hometown. Wait. What? That’s Sonoma? And San Francisco? Ah. My bad.
8:05 p.m. THANK you for finally having the nerve to say Kacie B. is annoying Courtney. Kudos to you for saying what we’ve all been thinking.
8:17 p.m. Sorry. Internet problems. Kacie B. must have bored my Wi-Fi to sleep.
8:18 p.m. Ben is a sucker for a girl who loves “doing lots of stuff.” Like going to the grocery.
8:20 p.m. I would love to get Courtney and Bentley in the same room for five minutes just to see what would happen to the universe.
8:25 p.m. Ben couldn’t have found a longer boat? #smallpenis
8:26 p.m. Not to gun down your “man’s man” theory Jamie, but I’d be willing to bet the producers spent a solid three hours just showing Ben how to pull-start that engine.
8:30 p.m. I hate to side with a homicidal maniac but Courtney is right to not worry about hurting other people’s feelings. I mean, aren’t they supposedly there for one thing: fame? I mean Ben.
8:33 p.m. At this point, if the show took everybody to a children’s hospital I’m pretty sure Courtney would go topless. “I don’t know what all these square bitches are worried about,” she’d say to an IV holder thinking it’s a camera.
8:39 p.m. DOCTOR: “Blakely, this is never easy to say to a patient but you have three months to live.”
BLAKELY: “Oh. My. God. I LOOOOVE to dance!”
8:43 p.m. Poor Jamie. You’re going home because you are a chicken.
8:48 p.m. My wife and I were so hoping the conclusion to Emily’s little “There’s another man in my life,” talk was, “And that man is Jesus.”
8:51 p.m. TONIGHT’S COURTNEY NUGGET O’ WISDOM: “I respect you for telling me that to my face. But I will never respect you.”
8:58 p.m. Everything Blakeley says ends with a question mark? Have you noticed that? It really makes her sound smart?
9:02 p.m. BLAKELEY’S DANCE TIP NO. 18: Relax, keep your eyes up, and pretend your partner is a pole.
9:13 p.m. BLAKELEY: “And here’s the doll I made for you out of my pubic hair …”
9:35 p.m. Mew. Mew. Mew. Meeeew. Mew. Mew. Ben. I wish I understood a single word Kacie was saying. Wait. No I don’t.
9:42 p.m. Ben keeps saying, “Can I see myself with this woman for the rest of my life?” Obviously he means “until Bachelor Pad starts.”
9:47 p.m. Finally! Jamie is absolutely KILLING IT right now! If she were auditioning for a part as an awkward auctioneer on a first date.
9:50 p.m. JAMIE: “OK, now you’re going to touch my left breast. Wait. Slow down. What are you doing? That’s my right! THIS IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO WORK! You still love me and would kill all the other girls for me though, right?”
9:59 p.m. I would say I did NOT see that coming but I pretty much called it at 8:43 p.m.
10:01 p.m. OK, a pretty weak episode. And then … Emily puts the exclamation point on the pile of Bachelor poop. Which must smell because Nikki is making a face …
This entry was written by , posted on February 6, 2012 at 8:04 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, live blog, train wreck, underwater beach sex. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
**SPOILER ALERT!** **SPOILER ALERT!** This season of “The Bachelorette” is the worst ever.
7:35 p.m. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE! Let them pick Bentley as the next Bachelor.
7:36 p.m. On a side note did you happen to notice that Ames is going to be on “Bachelor Pad”? I absolutely LOVE that show but talk about an odd addition. I actually like the guy and think he’s nice. Doesn’t seem to be prototypical “Bachelor Pad” material. In that he can form a complete sentence and wears a shirt to dinner.
7:41 p.m. I can’t wait to see Ashley’s tatted up skank sister.
8:00 p.m. The moment I’ve been waiting for is for Bentley to walk up and go, “Give me a second chance” and Ashley to say “yes” and then Bentley to bust out laughing.
8:03 p.m. My guess is J.P. kills Ben with a coconut and then tells Ashley he’s actually gay. (2:1 odds.)
8:04 p.m. Ashley’s family seems really sophisticated.
8:08 p.m. You’d better be nervous J.P. Ashley’s stepdad might steal your wallet.
8:12 p.m. I think Ashley’s sister would be perfect for Brad. Case in point:
ASHLEY’S SISTER: “I think you are a terrible match for each other.” (Pause.) “Why are you crying?”
BRAD: “I think you’re an ugly troll.” (Pause.) “Why are you crying? Come here.” (Rubs leg.)
8:25 p.m. I think the big question here is: Will Ashley choose vanilla or vanilla with homicidal tendencies?
8:30 p.m. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ashley’s sister will be the next ex-Mrs. Jesse James.
8:34 p.m. This is awful. Seriously. It really makes me question my purpose on this planet that I’m sitting here watching this.
8:34 p.m. And blogging about it.
8:34 p.m. Naked.
8:42 p.m. Shoot me in the face. Puppy/baby talk? Maybe a repeat of some Illinois bill legislation is on CSPAN2 right now.
8:44 p.m. Nope. Crap.
8:47 p.m. BEN: “It’s totally natural.” You know, for a TV dating show.
8:53 p.m. Nice fucking hat.
8:53 p.m. And pants.
8:54 p.m. Say what you will about Ben but the guy definitely doesn’t own any crew neck tees.
8:55 p.m. Helicopter whore.
8:57 p.m. “All I want to do is rub that mud all over his body.” And then lick it off.
9:03 p.m. “Ashley, I. Um. Love you. In that top.”
9:15 p.m. I’m no body language expert but I’m pretty sure Ashley is in love with her stepdad.
9:25 p.m. Ashley looks amazing without makeup.
9:27 p.m. Pose while leaning on tree. Hazy slo-mo flashback. Cut to looking off toward horizon. Sounds like my Sunday.
9:28 p.m. I cannot wait for Ashley to make her decision.
9:29 p.m. So I can find out who the next Bachelor is. I reiterate PLEASE LET IT BE BENTLEY.
9:34 p.m. I just said to my wife, “These two guys could not be more different. Isn’t that weird?” To which she replied, without missing a beat, “That’s because everybody else left, babe.” Touche, Mrs. Donovan. Touche.
9:45 p.m. I’m glad that in spite of ripping Ben’s heart out Ashley thought to fix her hair 15 times.
9:46 p.m. I’m pretty sure I just saw Ashley’s penis.
9:48 p.m. I’m convinced Ben didn’t win because he wore a blue tie with a black suit.
9:48 p.m. Poor Ben. I hate that they just take him out to sea and dump him like that.
9:55 p.m. I really wish Ryan would have gotten off the second plane. “Just wanted to make sure you were certain about not liking me for a third time.”
9:57 p.m. I really wish these two all the best. Now get the hell off my screen so I can find out who the next Bachelor is.
9:59 p.m. Cue the Air Supply. Or Bananarama. Or whatever the hell this crap is. OK, Jefferson Starship. I need to quit pretending like I’m not as big a loser as Ben.
10:02 p.m. Shoot me in the face. I can’t wade through 58 more minutes of this.
10:02 p.m. OK, yes I can.
10:09 p.m. My wife keeps calling Chris Harrison, Chris Hanson. It never stops being funny.
10:27 p.m. This new show looks absolutely awful. Which puts it slightly ahead of this past season of “The Bachelorette.”
10:40 p.m. Blah, blah, blah. Who’s the next Bachelor?
10:51 p.m. Somebody text me when they decide who the next Bachelor is. This is like watching “The View.” Not that I’d know.
10:52 p.m. OK, so I live blog about it every week too.
10:56 p.m. WTF? I thought we were going to find out the next Bachelor. Somehow this seems like the perfect ending.
10:59 p.m. BENTLEY!!!
This entry was written by , posted on August 1, 2011 at 7:35 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "Bachelorette", Also: I suck, Ashley sucks, Bryce Donovan, live blog, VIVA LE BACHELOR PAD!. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Tune in at precisely 8 p.m. EST for another exciting edition of “Ashley cries 14 times every half hour.”
Let the awkwardness begin in 3 … 2 …
7:46 p.m. Please let them open on a tight shot of Ames’ forehead.
7:49 p.m. Uh-oh. Gotta poop.
7:58 p.m. Whew. I’m back! GAMETIME, BITCHES!!!
8:03 p.m. Two minutes in and I can already tell this episode is gonna blow. And yet I can’t. Look. Away.
8:05 p.m. I totally want Ames to win. If for no other reason because those two would have the BIGGEST foreheaded kids ever.
8:07 p.m. Seven minutes in before there was the first piece of new footage. So, in other words, a typical “Bachelorette” episode.
8:09 p.m. CUMMING? No. Fucking. Way. OK now I’m pulling for Constantine.
8:13 p.m. When I’m on a date I walk into Domino’s all the time and pull that move.
8:14 p.m. Guaranteed two-thirds of those employees have never seen Constantine before.
8:20 p.m. Constantine’s sister would have even been a better bachelorette than Ashley. And yet here we are. Watching every episode, refreshing some random blog and kidding ourselves that we are normal.
8:21 p.m. Hell, Constantine’s mom would have been a better bachelorette.
8:22 p.m. CONSTANTINE’S DAD: “Ashley’s-a nice-a girl. She have gorgeous personality. But-a she walks-a like-a she has a dick-a.”
8:24 p.m. I was hoping those were all Constantine’s ex-girlfriends.
8:25 p.m. Take three: Constantine’s great aunt would have been a better bachelorette.
8:27 p.m. ASHLEY: “This has been a great hometown date, Bentley. I mean Bentley. Shit. Sorry. Bentley. Crap! Nevermind.”
8:31 p.m. AMES: “I think you look attractive in your clothes. I am so comfortable when I am in the same area as you.”
8:35 p.m. Ashley on Ames: “He’s a man.” An oft-forgotten characteristic when you’re a single straight woman.
8:37 p.m. I’m convinced Ames’ dad (God rest his soul) was a squirrel. Because his mother looks normal.
8:43 p.m. Serves me right for bitch-slapping Comcast. My DirecTV is acting up and I’m getting every other word. Ames’ still looks boring though.
8:45 p.m. Sweet wedgie.
8:47 p.m. Is Ames in a different location? Every shot of him he’s glistening and Ashley looks like she’s in a cave.
8:48 p.m. My wife: “I think he looks like an awful kisser.” Ames: “That was the most amazing kiss ever.”
8:53 p.m. Slightly different reaction from Dulbert when she first saw Ben. Frontrunner? I say yes. By which I mean who cares? (Hint: We do.)
9:00 p.m. Sorry for the gap in posts. I lapsed into a coma.
9:05 p.m. Ben’s family seems really laid back.
9:08 p.m. Calling it early, Ben’s Mom: “Your father would have loved Ashley.”
9:09 p.m. So close.
9:11 p.m. OK this is SOOOOO boring. Let’s spread the following on Twitter: Ashley is pregnant with Bentley’s child. Annnnd GO!
9:12 p.m. My TV is even bored. It cut out in the middle of Ashley’s monologue about Ben.
9:18 p.m. I can’t fight this feeling any longer. I just vomited.
9:23 p.m. She’s already chosen Ben. No poker face on this girl.
9:23 p.m. By which I mean Bentley.
9:42 p.m. I literally fell asleep for the past 20 minutes. I hate you ABC.
9:43 p.m. What I’m taking from this: Ames should be Ashley’s life coach.
9:46 p.m. Has to be Ames getting cut. Goodbye forehead dream.
9:47 p.m. Seriously — and I know this is saying something — worst. Bachelorette episode. Ever.
9:50 p.m. And the evening just took a turn for the AWESOME. Bachelor Pad baby!
9:55 p.m. Poor little Ames. He looks like a dog who you fake threw a tennis ball for.
9:56 p.m. I’m so worried that Ames doesn’t realize he got cut.
9:56 p.m. AMES: “I will see you tomorrow.”
9:58 p.m. I’m glad Ames didn’t win. He’s too nice for the emotional roller coaster that is in store for whoever marries Ashley.
10:00 p.m. That last 25 seconds was 500 times more interesting than the entire episode.
OK, so that’s it. Thank (both of) you for reading. Though I’d like to say we won’t make the same mistake another consecutive week I think we all know we are going to watch again. Until then.
This entry was written by , posted on July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "Bachelorette", Ashley, Bryce Donovan, live blog, train wreck. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
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