Live blog: “The Bachelor: Bryce Mocks All.”

Tonight we check back in with Ben and The House of Crazy. The anticipation for episode No. 3 is killing me. So let’s get right to it …

8:00 p.m. Run Ben. RUN!

8:01 p.m. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that I love San Francisco seeing as I’m live blogging about “The Bachelor.”

8:05 p.m. Chris Harrison is apparently wearing his dad’s jacket.

8:07 p.m. Courtney is so nice. Wait. No. Stupid autocorrect. I meant to say such a bitch.

8:11 p.m. Every single “Bachelor” they have a woman do something they’re terrified of. You’d think they’d eventually wise up and when asked their biggest fears during the screening say, “Having sex with the Bachelor” or “Eating sushi and having a massage.”

8:19 p.m. Quick Bachelor-speak translation: “explore” = “touch her boobs.”

8:22 p.m. So … she didn’t really clarify how the relationship with her brother turned out.

8:23 p.m. Casey S. is flying under the radar. Just sayin’.

8:25 p.m. I wish for once the Bachelor would be like, “Let’s just see how the sex goes before we go crazy and start handing out roses.”

8:26 p.m. Random bachelorette overheard during firework sequence: “I’m so sad right now …”

8:31 p.m. It’s gonna be real awkward in this household when the mystery woman who shows up is my mom.

8:32 p.m. I can tell you, from personal experience, that snow skiing with your girlfriend is right up there with having a root canal. Good luck, Ben. Gonna be a blast.

8:33 p.m. Nobody dressed like that on our ski trip.

8:35 p.m. I’m pretty sure Lindzi spells her name with one too many z’s. Also: That she’s a dude.

8:36 p.m. If I gave my wife a necklace like that she’s laugh in my face.

8:37 p.m. My wife is so pissed that our CR-V doesn’t look like that. I, on the other hand, am pissed that my favorite show is being cheapened by product placement.

8:42 p.m. He was totally going for a hug and she turned it into a kiss.

8:46 p.m. Grandma is gonna be PISSED.

8:47 p.m. I like Blakely’s understated earrings.

8:48 p.m. HA! She didn’t like the necklace either.

8:56 p.m. LindZZZZZZZEEEEE better get her/his tuck on for a night of dancing on the steps of some building with lots of stairs. (Thanks previews.)

9:00 p.m. I always love the awkwardness when these kinda-relevant artists have to play for an audience of two who are more concerned with feeling each other up than listening to their music.

9:01 p.m. I’m totally applying for the next Bachelor. I feel fairly confident he’ll be giving me the final rose.

9:02 p.m. LindZZZEEEEE should totally try wearing eyeliner. Wait …

9:05 p.m. Bachelor-speak translation No. 2: “I’d like to get to know her on a deeper level” means “Just the tip won’t be enough with this highfalutin’ lady.”

9:07 p.m. Give it to Ben, he has apparently learned one song on the piano, “Here to last” by David Gray and it makes him look like a pimp. Guaranteed the guy can’t find middle C on a keyboard. (This is the equivalent of the guy who wears non-prescription glasses to look smarter or deeper. Also known as “me.”)

9:18 p.m. Please be Chantal. Please be Chantal … CRAP! Wrong Chantal. Damn it!!!

9:30 p.m. This is spectacular.

9:32 p.m. The only real question now is what kind of squirrel is Erika.

9:35 p.m. I love that the girls are all pissed about Chantal coming on the show like there is some sort of stringent screening process.

9:44 p.m. “What’s her butt.”

9:47 p.m. “Ladies, Ben, in case you’re fucking blind, this is the final rose tonight.”

9:48 p.m. If this whole “Bachelor” thing doesn’t work out for Ben I think he can always be an EMT. “Can we, uh, like, get some water in here?”

9:57 p.m. In closing, Ben is quite the cowboy.

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on January 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, crazy ladies, uh-oh. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.