Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.
You smile and put them on the coffee table to complement the other 47 yellow-colored items she bought at Target to liven up the living room. I guess I should be glad she wasn’t in a chartreuse mood while shopping.
This entry was written by , posted on June 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged Bryce Donovan, coffee table, lemonade, lemons, the tv still looks the same regardless. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
So the other day my wife was home by herself watching our son. At some point during the course of play the two of them make their way into the living room where VOILA! my son happens upon the toy of the year, our TV remote sitting on the coffee table. Now before I go any further with this story let me just say that my wife is a better parent than I am in every single category under the sun except discipline and making fake fart noises. (The second is my real strength though.) Anyway, instead of taking said remote control away from the little trouble maker, she instead laughed and watched as he pushed every single button on it because apparently she’s never seen a small person operate a remote control. Fast forward to the next evening, as I sit down to turn on the TV and watch something I’d DVR’ed I had to do a double take and then process what I was looking at for a second. Eventually, I called my wife into the room to ask her a question.
ME: “Any chance River was playing with the remote yesterday?”
MY WIFE: (Laughs) “How did you know?”
ME: (Pointing at TV screen.)
Now that I’ve had a few days to process the entire situation I can’t help but laugh. I mean, yes it’s porn but it could have been WAY worse: He could have bought “The Notebook” or anything with Katherine Heigl in it. But on the other hand, this little lapse in parenting cost us 13 stinking dollars. But the worst part? Armani Staxxx is only in it for, like, 45 seconds TOPS.
This entry was written by , posted on May 2, 2012 at 8:49 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged booty, Bryce Donovan, DirecTV, parents of the year, pay-per-view, remote control, River. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
Originally Zac Efron was slated to play River Donovan in this soon-to-be-released major motion picture but a scheduling conflict left the studio with no other options than to let him play himself. All in all I think he did a fine job. OK, marginal.
This entry was written by , posted on April 4, 2012 at 8:57 am, filed under Uncategorized and tagged boy, Bryce Donovan, love story, playground, River Donovan, squirrel, summer blockbuster, YouTube. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
It’s a duck in a box, yeah.
This entry was written by , posted on at 8:37 am, filed under Uncategorized and tagged Bryce Donovan, duck in a box, River. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
So last Monday I decided to take a break from blogging about our favorite cheddar log, Ben Flajnik, not thinking it would matter because it was the stupid “Women Tell All If By All You Mean Nothing But We Gyp You Out Of Two Hours” episode of “The Bachelor,” but apparently that didn’t sit well with you, oh powerful reader.
(Pause.)
ReaderSSSUH. Because, um, it would be sad if I was just sitting here writing to my mom. (Just kidding Mom, I’m glad you said something.) Anyway, I heard you loud and clear and so I’m back with Zima wine cooler chardonnay Colt 45 in hand, loyal wife at my side, to bring you my idiotic comments from the season finale of “The Bachelor: Ben Flajnik Picks The Lady He Wants To Drag Through The Tabloid Mud With Him.” So let’s get out party hats on and root hard for LindZZZZZeee, mainly because we all know he’s gonna listen to Lil’ Ben and pick Courtney, who, I don’t know if you knew, is a model.
Game on!
(NOTE: In honor of LindZZZZeee, I’ve decided to replace all S’s from here on out with Z’s. Whoopz. I mean Z’z.)
7:57 p.m. First dilemma of the evening: I can’t decide whether to clip my toenailz or watch the first 5 minutez of tonight’z epizode.
8:00 p.m. Zeeing that “Lorax” commercial remindz me that I am 100 percent certain Danny Devito would have made a better Bachelor than Ben.
8:03 p.m. I feel like there was a zolid joke there with Courtney petting that cat but I’m too drunk to find it. Damn you Zima Colt 45! Aaaaaaand, cue David Effing Gray.
8:07 p.m. Ben’z Zizter just laughed when Ben zaid, “Zhe’z the one who rode up on a horze.” A bad zign if you azked me. (Note: I’m zwitching back to uzing S’z not becauze I don’t like the Z’z but becauze my ztupid autocorrect keepz changing all of them and I don’t have the patience to keep overruling it.)
8:13 p.m. LINDZZEEEE: “It’s a huge deal to look somebody you just met in the eye and tell them you’re in love with their son.” So true, girl. Especially if it’s their sister. (Drops fork. Walks off stage.)
8:20 p.m. I’m really regretting not choosing to clip my toenails.
8:24 p.m. Lucky for Courtney, Ben’s jacket is going to distract from her being a bitch.
8:26 p.m. Kudos to Ben’s sister for doing her best to make this episode not suck. As much.
8:29 p.m. Right now, in the direct sunlight, I’m pretty sure Ben’s sister is thinking, “What kind of model is she?”
8:32 p.m. “Way to go Ben’s Sweater! You did it! Ben’s mom and sister didn’t even recognize that Courtney was a manipulative beyotch! A-plus! Now, hop in the car and let’s go to dinner. I got us reservations at this great little Italian place called The Salvation Army.”
8:39 p.m. #WWBDD? (Ben’s Dad, not Bryce Donovan.)
8:41 p.m. I like to imagine all the times the family is parting ways and one of them says, “OK, love you too. See you in a minute” and the director gets pissed and yells “CUT!” because they need to reshoot the “reality TV” scene.
8:47 p.m. BEN: “I was thinking we could go skiing.”
LINDZZEEEE: “REALLY?!”
BEN: “Yeah. You can do it in North Carolina and I’ll do it here.”
LINDZEEEE: “Wait. What?”
BEN: (coughs) “I’m banging Courtney.”
8:56 p.m. MY WIFE: “Seriously? That was her dress from two episodes ago. Wait, are you typing that? Don’t say I said that. (Pause.) It might have been three weeks ago.”
9:03 p.m. During commercials my wife keeps playing this Russian Roulette game where she rewinds to see the parts she missed while I’m sitting there silently thinking, “Shit. Please hurry up and fast forward back to live so I can have some material to write about and don’t have to buy time by explaining to everybody how you are a blow up doll and that I actually sat on the stupid remote control.”
9:07 p.m. NO SHIT! A helicopter! They are pulling out all the stops for this episode!
9:08 p.m. I’m calling bullshit. I would argue that’s not even in your top 10 helicopter rides, Ben.
9:18 p.m. After Courtney just said, “I have a history of just giving and giving and guys just always took from me,” I’m 100 percent positive there are at least six guys sitting and home screaming “BULLSHIT!” at their TVs.
9:27 p.m. I still can’t wait for my favorite part of the finale: When the bachelor meets with the swarthy ring guy and he subtly says things like, “Ooooooorrrr, you could go with the Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring NLBDR Model Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring ring that is also available on Neil Lane Diamond Ring.com.”
9:29 p.m. My buddy Reid just asked, “Why did Courtney’s snow angel make an imprint of the devil?” EXcellent question.
9:31 p.m. Ah, the 8-minute montage of shit we’ve already seen 15 times so that they can sell six more ads at $50k a piece. Well played, ABC.
9:34 p.m. Oh. My. God. We have to wait 25 more minutes to see LindZZZeee cry? This is painful.
9:42 p.m. Well hello, Gandolph.
9:45 p.m. Even though I knew this was going to happen, it’s still painful to watch. Consider yourself lucky, LindZZZZeee.
9:47 p.m. Props to LindZZZZeee for calling sloppy seconds.
9:55 p.m. Here comes OJ for the proposal.
9:59 p.m. Right now Courtney is thinking, “Oh. My. God … I’m WINNING!!”
10:01 p.m. Crap. I’ve got to do 60 more minutes of this?
10:03 p.m. Oh, yeah. That’s right. I am my own boss. I’M OUT BITCHES!!!! Enjoy the inevitable breakup that actually happened faster than I thought. And Ben, remember LindZZZZeee is waiting for your call.
This entry was written by , posted on March 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Bryce Donovan, chlamydia, Courtney the model, rose, the final train wreck. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.
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