Lucky for me, I have The General.

So the other day, I’m totally minding my own business driving my red and yellow plastic car through a random field on John’s Island and BAM! some Fred Flinstone lookin’ joker T-bones the shit out of me and then drives off. Luckily, surveillance cameras (my wife) captured footage of the wreck to send to my insurance company, who I have no doubt will come through for me. Although I’m not quite sure why they made me mail them an advance $5,000 cash deductible when it wasn’t my fault.

(NOTE: Yes, I know I shouldn’t have been drinking and driving but my A/C doesn’t work and it was hot outside. Plus, I’m an alcoholic.)

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on October 17, 2012 at 11:26 am, filed under Uncategorized and tagged Bryce Donovan, DUI, Fisher-Price, head-on collision, River, The General. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Might be time for a shower.

So I’m back from my two-month drunken lazy haze hiatus with a caption challenge. I’ll get the ball rolling.

RIVER: “I sure hope he’s OK when he lands.”

Aaaaaand go!

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on September 30, 2012 at 10:03 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged Bryce Donovan, caption challenge, River, sitting with his friends. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

“The Bachelorette” Finale: Emily and Jef: Pure perffection (Sorry, had to use that extra “f” somewhere).

So, duh, just like we all expected Emily chose Arie Jeff on Sunday’s finale of “The Bachelorette.”

The first clue that things weren’t going to necessarily go as expected should have come when ABC pulled a fast one and aired the stupid thing on Sunday instead of during the show’s normal Monday time slot. Maybe that’s what they normally do with the finale, I don’t know. I might be a loser who watches lots of reality TV but I can tell you this: I do not pay close attention to things.

Anyway, Emily shocked literally dozens of nerds like me who thought for sure Jef was nice, but more of a novelty boyfriend than husband material, instead of picking sweet, beautiful, one-dimensional Arie. I mean, Arie drives race cars for crying out loud. Yeah. RACE. CARS. That bitch is from West Virginia. Nothing horns ‘em up in the Mountaineer state quite like a guy who drives a fast car in circles for three hours. Plus he has that pointy hair Emily really seems to like (*cough* Brad). Buuuuuuut nooooooo. She went and picked the Conan O’Brien/Brian Setzer hybrid and screwed everything up.

OK, so I really like Jef, and the odds are pretty good that he’s a great guy and with this newfound love he’ll probably also discover the missing “F” from his first name. But would it have killed Chris Harrison during the finale, when Emily asked for his advice on what to do seeing as she already knew she was in love with Jef, to sigh deeply and say, “Ya know, I think the right thing to do here is to go on your final date with Arie. I mean, don’t you think you at least owe it to him to give him 24 more hours of happiness thinking he might actually have a shot with you? By waiting and ripping out his, er, gently telling him at the final rose ceremony — and I would go into as much detail as possible as to why Jef is the better man here — is not only the right thing to do, but the ONLY THING TO DO. Now go.”?

But no, instead he said some stupid shit about thinking about Arie and his feelings and blah blah blah. BO-ring!

Anyway, after that moment, I pretty much glazed over and zoned out until during the “After the Final Rose” portion of the 17-hour marathon when Miss America said, “Charleston,” in response to where she was planning on marrying Jef. At that point I snapped out of my coma and was all, “OH HELL YES!” Immediately I wanted to text her and tell her all the great reasons as well as not-so-great reasons for why she should get married here. But then I remembered that I didn’t have her number. And plus there was the whole “restraining order” thing. Anyway, had I texted her I would have told her the following pros and cons:

Pros

• Charleston has so many beautiful churches and outdoor spaces, you really can’t go wrong
• My wife and I got married here four years ago so you’d be joining some pretty lofty company (yes, I cried)
• Charleston Magazine once called the Holy City, “The No. 1 wedding destination for people planning on going through with the second of their reality TV show engagements”
• OK, so I might have made that up
• Sweet tea vodka is mandated by law to be on hand for the reception

And then I remembered she’s from West Virginia and they have a Charleston there too. So, um, crap. Mighta jumped the gun there. Oh, well, who cares, “Bachelor Pad” is on now and I think I speak for all of America* when I say, BOOBS!

*OK, so probably just American males

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on July 25, 2012 at 9:27 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "Bachelorette", Bryce Donovan, Charleston, hopefully she doesn't mean Charleston WV, Jef, wedding. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Wadda!

My God this kid is obsessed with it. I half expect him to tell us he’s leaving us to live at Sea World any day now.

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on July 13, 2012 at 10:05 am, filed under Uncategorized and tagged Bryce Donovan, obsessed, River, rusty pail, Sea World, spray nozzle, water. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

The only pair of these things that will ever be allowed in our house.

Even the world’s ugliest footwear looks cute when it’s 1/5th the size.

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on July 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged Bryce Donovan, Crocs, Fugly cute, River. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.