Bryce Donovan. He's a little different.

Live Blog: Ben there, hit that (Episode 6)

And so begins another two-hour chunk of time that none of us will ever get back but we wouldn’t have it any other way (mainly because our IQs are somewhere between 2 and the number of Courtney’s eyebrow).

Let the cat fighting begin in 3 … 2 … 1 …

 

7:32 p.m. Just an aside: I love Sofia Vergara. (Honey, if you’re reading this, not in THAT way.)

8:03 p.m. You could almost hear the relief in Ben’s voice when he said, “I’m almost halfway through this nightmare. I mean journey.”

8:05 p.m. When Courtney says she can embarrass somebody I do not doubt her for a second considering how well she’s done it to herself.

8:09 p.m. FIRST 15 MINUTES OF EPISODE CHECKLIST: Gratuitous shot of ladies sunbathing. Check. Crazy chick getting dolled up for a date that probably won’t go as well as she thinks. Check. Ben wearing a V-neck shirt. Check.

8:13 p.m. After dressing like that I hope somebody beats the shit out of both of them, just on principle.

8:18 p.m. Ben just wants to propose one more time in his life. Well Ben, I think I speak for America when I say that picking from a pool of 25 women chosen not by you but by a group of writers and producers who chose based entirely on how likely the woman is to claw the eyeballs out of any other women who looks at them for more than 8 seconds without complementing what they’re wearing and not whether they are marriage material couldn’t possibly go wrong. Yep. I see good things coming of this, my man. No chance you have to propose a third time.

8:24 p.m. Instead of seeing a “fun and romantic side” of Blakeley, I think it’s more likely that Ben sees a female and a male side.

8:31 p.m. Based on what the women are wearing I find it hard to believe they were surprised when they didn’t pull up in front of Zales. Except Blakeley. I’m 99% certain she shops for jewelry in Spandex.

8:35 p.m. Based on the “cheddar” Ben is bringing from the mound I’m pretty sure he isn’t sure whether he’s left or right handed.

8:37 p.m. And Courtney gains a few points with the line: “Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”

8:40 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks it’s brilliant that Sonic has hot dogs ads during “The Bachelor”?

8:46 p.m. And with successive posts I have deftly demonstrated when to place a question mark inside the quotation marks and when to place it outside. Take it easy ladies, I’m married.

8:53 p.m. I think next season they shouldn’t allow the contestants to drink alcohol. Meth would be fine though.

8:54 p.m. Courtney, you need more time and a pair of tweezers.

8:58 p.m. These stupid AT&T commercials are so not ever funny ago.

9:04 p.m. I wish one of the ladies would be like, “I really love what you wrote on our date card,” and Ben’s all, “Yeah, thanks, I was up kind of late coming up with it,” and she’s like, “What was your favorite part?” and he’s like, “You know, um, the middle part?” and she’s like, “Yeah, me too” and he’s all, phew! and then she goes, “Will you recite it to me again,” and Ben shits his pants.

Yep, my mind is a scary place.

9:06 p.m. I swear I just saw Courtney in the boat being towed behind the yacht.

9:13 p.m. New proposal for these one-on-one dates: If a girl doesn’t get a rose she should have to pick up the check.

9:16 p.m. I love that they had Ben pick up the rose even though he was never going to give it to her.

9:19 p.m. And we have the obligatory David Gray’s “This Year’s Love.” ABC must have paid $52 million for the rights to this song so they’re not only going to play it in every single episode but they also made Ben learn how to play it on the piano.

9:23 p.m. SERIES IDEA NO. 147: Women who don’t get a rose should be relegated to ABC’s new sister show, “The Rebound” where they vie for the hand/try to get out of the barbed-wire-surrounded compound of my buddy Reid.

9:34 p.m. If you chopped Courtney’s head off … and then her arms … and then put her body in a trunk and shipped it to Indonesia, she’d be an OK girl to date. For a week.

9:39 p.m. BLAKELEY: “Oh. And I have a penis.”

BEN: “Rad.”

9:53 p.m. I am still hopeful that Ben will say, “Courtney, will you accept this rose being held by these police officers who are here to escort you to a maximum security prison?”

9:55 p.m. And the drama continues bitches! Courtney v. Emily v. Ben’s Penis.

9:57 p.m. Jennifer asks what she did wrong. Well, sister, you didn’t wear big enough earrings. There, are you happy? You made me say it.

10:02 p.m. And in closing, that’s totally Courtney’s hand.

Or Oprah’s.

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on January 30, 2012 at 8:15 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Live Blog: All aboard the Crazy Train! (Episode 5)

You know the drill. The ladies make asses of themselves (I’m looking at you, Courtney and Erika. Well, mainly Courtney because I can’t figure out how to look at Erika. It’s like having a staring contest with a squirrel) while Ben convinces himself that the pickins really aren’t that slim. Meanwhile, we sit back on our couches and thank god they were all willing to do this on national television.

7:21 p.m. And the countdown is on …

8:02 p.m. And 60 seconds in Courtney quotes one of the great literary minds of our generation: Charlie Sheen.

8:07 p.m. I’m just going to say what everybody is thinking: BOOBS!

8:13 p.m. Kacie, look, I like you and I think you’re probably the best girlfriend material but you are coming off like a possessive weirdo with a guy that in all likelihood has no idea how to spell your name.

8:15 p.m. As my buddy Reid points out, Ben loves “these down to earth dates.” You know, the kind where you go to a remote lake in a helicopter. Yeah. Right there with ya, Ben.

8:22 p.m. Loosen up, Rachel. You’re simply on a first date with Rafael Nadal while the women you’re living with all are trying to poison you.

8:23 p.m. Another thing Ben might notice on his group date with Courtney: That she’s the first “model” to ever sport a unibrow.

8:24 p.m. Random thought: You know, just once, I’d love it if the date card didn’t have some sort of vague double entendre and said, “Can’t wait to go skydiving, drink three bottles of wine, and then bang you in the fantasy suite. –Ben.”

8:32 p.m. Ben always says, “I’ve got a great date planned,” like he spent the earlier part of the day on the phone and the internet setting everything up.

8:38 p.m. “He’s a beauty.” Yep. Best looking 8 oz. bream I’ve ever seen.

8:39 p.m. COURTNEY: “I’m gonna name this fish ‘All The Other Girls Are Whores’.”

BEN: “That’s a great na… Wait. What?”

8:45 p.m. Have you ever noticed that people who say they “live life to the fullest” are typically dental hygienists? No? Yeah, me neither.

8:49 p.m. Wait. Who’s the dude in the hat?

8:56 p.m. Jennifer should totally pick something by Color Me Badd. They have the most romantic songs.

9:01 p.m. Apparently my son doesn’t realize the importance of “The Bachelor” because he won’t stop coughing. I hate to do this to all you loyal blog followers but I’m going to have to stop. For five minutes so I can put him out in the back yard.

9:07 p.m. Whew. Much better. OK let’s do this.

9:08 p.m. So I think the real question here is which guy will Courtney have sex with/kill first on “Bachelor Pad, Season 3″?

9:11 p.m. I thought Ben was afraid of heights. Or is that just in California?

9:13 p.m. One string? Are you sure Jennifer? Because to me it looked like three. And two cables the size of telephone poles.

9:21 p.m. Wait, so Blakely’s a stripper AND a hairdresser? So confused …

9:26 p.m. STAT OF THE DAY: “The Biggest Loser” has produced more successful marriages than “The Bachelor.”

9:37 p.m. Serious question: How many penises do you think Courtney has cut off in her lifetime?

9:39 p.m. Sorry. Penii.

9:47 p.m. Normally I’d be in favor of some good old fashioned Grecco Roman wrestling when two bachelorettes disagree but for some reason I’m afraid this time it might end in homicide. Or at the very least dismemberment. Courtney scares me.

9:53 p.m. CHRIS: “Ladies. There are roses on a plate. If you get one, that’s a good thing. If you don’t, that’s bad. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go stand just off camera until one is left to remind you that there is only one rose left. Good luck. Smiles at camera.”

DIRECTOR: (Off camera) “CUT! Goddamn it, Harrison! How hard is this?!”

9:57 p.m. Wow. Emily. Is. Lucky. If Ben hadn’t given her a rose I’m 100% sure Courtney would have blown her limo up.

9:58 p.m. And so concludes another two hours of my life wasted. And it was totally awesome. Let’s do it again next week. Until then, say your goodbyes and get the hell out of here.

9:59 p.m. BONUS POST: Wait. Is Ben a drug dealer now?

This entry was written by Bryce, posted on January 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.