Live Blog: The Krazy Kontest (Episode 8)

Yes, I spelled both crazy and contest with a “k” but that’s just to underscore how effing crazy everybody is on this show (I’m including the seemingly normal blonde-headed Casey who was eliminated last week because Chris Harrison convinced her she was in love with another man; “Wait. Are you SURE you aren’t in love with your old boyfriend?” [waves hand and performs Jedi mind trick] “Oh, yeah. I guess I am.”).

But we love it and for that I say let’s do this again. Hold on tight, I’m calling at least one open hand slap to the face (not sure whether it will be girl on guy or girl on girl) tonight in 3 … 2 … 1 …

8:01 p.m. As if sensing the quality of upcoming programming, my dog just audibly farted.

8:06 p.m. Six minutes in and we already have tears. This is going to be a good episode. (Not to mention my prediction is starting to look good.)

8:11 p.m. Gay tank top sighting No. 2. (Waiting on the techno version of “This Year’s Love.”)

8:13 p.m. I really hope the helicopter goes up to 15,000 feet to drop them out.

8:15 p.m. What if I want to date BOTH the next bachelor and bachelorette?

8:19 p.m. In case there are any other people out there with an IQ under 30 I just need to say this to alleviate any confusion you might have: BEN IS NOT PLANNING THESE FUCKING DATES.

8:21 p.m. Just kidding. He totally plans them all. He also comes up with all those catchy panty-droppers like, “Do you Belize in love?”

8:24 p.m. Or — and I’m just spitballing here — you two could write a note that says, “Just got laid after drinking five bottles of wine.”‘

8:29 p.m. Humira ad constructive criticism: When playing Playstation 2 you don’t have to move around.

8:33 p.m. I REALLY wanted to see a montage of Ben air balling layups.

8:35 p.m. I can only guess Ben crapped his pants because I didn’t see anything spontaneous during that interaction.

8:39 p.m. QUICK EPISODE UPDATE: Commercials geared to women thus far: 14. Commercials geared to cats: 1. Commercials geared to men: 0. Why do I feel like somebody’s trying to tell me something about my choice of programming?

8:44 p.m. Just for the record, I don’t think a smart person every gets tired of being told they’re smart. On the flip side people with a mom who made them perform a one-man play entitled, “99.99 percent effective, yeah right; thanks Trojan,” do get tired of being asked to reprise that role every Christmas when my family is in town.

8:57 p.m. 5:1 odds that Courtney has Rufinol in her ring. (“Hey Ben, what’s that over there?”)

9:01 p.m. General male observation: Women who go from depressed to giddy are DEFINITELY the kind of woman you want to marry. Assuming you are never left alone with them and/or any sharp object.

9:02 p.m. Ben, I hate to call you on this one, but I’m pretty sure “your” expression, “Oh, my, dad” is ripped off from Will Ferrell playing Jesus on SNL. (Anyone who can find a link to this awesome video please e-mail me.)

9:15 p.m. As bad as I thought last week’s episode was this one is 10 times worse. I am strongly considering switching to “Two and a Half Men.”

9:16 p.m. Just joking. I haven’t had any blunt force trauma to my head so I would throw my coffee table through the TV before I watched that show.

9:21 p.m. Gay tank top No. 3.

9:22 p.m. At risk of getting all dorky here, I’m pretty sure those are nurse sharks (not sand sharks as Captain Outdoors called them) which would rather beach themselves to watch “Jaws” than attack a human being.

9:24 p.m. OK, my high school biology teacher just called me and he said not only am I a dork but he reminded me that I also got a D in his class.

9:41 p.m. SAT QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: Krazy: Glue:: Courtney:

A. Greece’s economy.

B. A see-saw with a fat kid on one side and nobody on the other.

C. Deez ____.

D. All of the above.

9:48 p.m. SPOILER ALERT!!!

BEN: “Courtney, can I talk to you for a second?”

COURTNEY: “Winning!”

BEN: “What?”

COURTNEY: “Smell ya later!”

BEN: “I’m not following you.”

COURTNEY: “I know you are but what am I?”

BEN: “You’re an idiot. But I’m keeping you around because you like taking your clothes off around me.”

9:53 p.m. And now the moment very few of us are still awake for …

9:58 p.m. YES!!!!!! HA HA!! YES!!!

9:59 p.m. Hard to believe this is the image of a winner.

Rachel, trust me when I tell you you came out ahead on this deal.

10:01 p.m. See you all next week. (Pause.) Don’t kid yourself. You’re gonna watch again.

> This entry was written by Bryce, posted on February 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", Ben, Bryce Donovan, buncha crazy chicks, insane, live blog, on second thought Ben's as crazy at the chicks, please more skinny dipping. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.