Live Blog: Ben there, hit that (Episode 6)

And so begins another two-hour chunk of time that none of us will ever get back but we wouldn’t have it any other way (mainly because our IQs are somewhere between 2 and the number of Courtney’s eyebrow).

Let the cat fighting begin in 3 … 2 … 1 …

7:32 p.m. Just an aside: I love Sofia Vergara. (Honey, if you’re reading this, not in THAT way.)

8:03 p.m. You could almost hear the relief in Ben’s voice when he said, “I’m almost halfway through this nightmare. I mean journey.”

8:05 p.m. When Courtney says she can embarrass somebody I do not doubt her for a second considering how well she’s done it to herself.

8:09 p.m. FIRST 15 MINUTES OF EPISODE CHECKLIST: Gratuitous shot of ladies sunbathing. Check. Crazy chick getting dolled up for a date that probably won’t go as well as she thinks. Check. Ben wearing a V-neck shirt. Check.

8:13 p.m. After dressing like that I hope somebody beats the shit out of both of them, just on principle.

8:18 p.m. Ben just wants to propose one more time in his life. Well Ben, I think I speak for America when I say that picking from a pool of 25 women chosen not by you but by a group of writers and producers who chose based entirely on how likely the woman is to claw the eyeballs out of any other women who looks at them for more than 8 seconds without complementing what they’re wearing and not whether they are marriage material couldn’t possibly go wrong. Yep. I see good things coming of this, my man. No chance you have to propose a third time.

8:24 p.m. Instead of seeing a “fun and romantic side” of Blakeley, I think it’s more likely that Ben sees a female and a male side.

8:31 p.m. Based on what the women are wearing I find it hard to believe they were surprised when they didn’t pull up in front of Zales. Except Blakeley. I’m 99% certain she shops for jewelry in Spandex.

8:35 p.m. Based on the “cheddar” Ben is bringing from the mound I’m pretty sure he isn’t sure whether he’s left or right handed.

8:37 p.m. And Courtney gains a few points with the line: “Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”

8:40 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks it’s brilliant that Sonic has hot dogs ads during “The Bachelor”?

8:46 p.m. And with successive posts I have deftly demonstrated when to place a question mark inside the quotation marks and when to place it outside. Take it easy ladies, I’m married.

8:53 p.m. I think next season they shouldn’t allow the contestants to drink alcohol. Meth would be fine though.

8:54 p.m. Courtney, you need more time and a pair of tweezers.

8:58 p.m. These stupid AT&T commercials are so not ever funny ago.

9:04 p.m. I wish one of the ladies would be like, “I really love what you wrote on our date card,” and Ben’s all, “Yeah, thanks, I was up kind of late coming up with it,” and she’s like, “What was your favorite part?” and he’s like, “You know, um, the middle part?” and she’s like, “Yeah, me too” and he’s all, phew! and then she goes, “Will you recite it to me again,” and Ben shits his pants.

Yep, my mind is a scary place.

9:06 p.m. I swear I just saw Courtney in the boat being towed behind the yacht.

9:13 p.m. New proposal for these one-on-one dates: If a girl doesn’t get a rose she should have to pick up the check.

9:16 p.m. I love that they had Ben pick up the rose even though he was never going to give it to her.

9:19 p.m. And we have the obligatory David Gray’s “This Year’s Love.” ABC must have paid $52 million for the rights to this song so they’re not only going to play it in every single episode but they also made Ben learn how to play it on the piano.

9:23 p.m. SERIES IDEA NO. 147: Women who don’t get a rose should be relegated to ABC’s new sister show, “The Rebound” where they vie for the hand/try to get out of the barbed-wire-surrounded compound of my buddy Reid.

9:34 p.m. If you chopped Courtney’s head off … and then her arms … and then put her body in a trunk and shipped it to Indonesia, she’d be an OK girl to date. For a week.

9:39 p.m. BLAKELEY: “Oh. And I have a penis.”

BEN: “Rad.”

9:53 p.m. I am still hopeful that Ben will say, “Courtney, will you accept this rose being held by these police officers who are here to escort you to a maximum security prison?”

9:55 p.m. And the drama continues bitches! Courtney v. Emily v. Ben’s Penis.

9:57 p.m. Jennifer asks what she did wrong. Well, sister, you didn’t wear big enough earrings. There, are you happy? You made me say it.

10:02 p.m. And in closing, that’s totally Courtney’s hand.

Or Oprah’s.

> This entry was written by Bryce, posted on January 30, 2012 at 8:15 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", bachelorettes, Ben, Bryce Donovan, Crazy Train, unibrow. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.