You know the drill. The ladies make asses of themselves (I’m looking at you, Courtney and Erika. Well, mainly Courtney because I can’t figure out how to look at Erika. It’s like having a staring contest with a squirrel) while Ben convinces himself that the pickins really aren’t that slim. Meanwhile, we sit back on our couches and thank god they were all willing to do this on national television.
7:21 p.m. And the countdown is on …
8:02 p.m. And 60 seconds in Courtney quotes one of the great literary minds of our generation: Charlie Sheen.
8:07 p.m. I’m just going to say what everybody is thinking: BOOBS!
8:13 p.m. Kacie, look, I like you and I think you’re probably the best girlfriend material but you are coming off like a possessive weirdo with a guy that in all likelihood has no idea how to spell your name.
8:15 p.m. As my buddy Reid points out, Ben loves “these down to earth dates.” You know, the kind where you go to a remote lake in a helicopter. Yeah. Right there with ya, Ben.
8:22 p.m. Loosen up, Rachel. You’re simply on a first date with Rafael Nadal while the women you’re living with all are trying to poison you.
8:23 p.m. Another thing Ben might notice on his group date with Courtney: That she’s the first “model” to ever sport a unibrow.
8:24 p.m. Random thought: You know, just once, I’d love it if the date card didn’t have some sort of vague double entendre and said, “Can’t wait to go skydiving, drink three bottles of wine, and then bang you in the fantasy suite. –Ben.”
8:32 p.m. Ben always says, “I’ve got a great date planned,” like he spent the earlier part of the day on the phone and the internet setting everything up.
8:38 p.m. “He’s a beauty.” Yep. Best looking 8 oz. bream I’ve ever seen.
8:39 p.m. COURTNEY: “I’m gonna name this fish ‘All The Other Girls Are Whores’.”
BEN: “That’s a great na… Wait. What?”
8:45 p.m. Have you ever noticed that people who say they “live life to the fullest” are typically dental hygienists? No? Yeah, me neither.
8:49 p.m. Wait. Who’s the dude in the hat?
8:56 p.m. Jennifer should totally pick something by Color Me Badd. They have the most romantic songs.
9:01 p.m. Apparently my son doesn’t realize the importance of “The Bachelor” because he won’t stop coughing. I hate to do this to all you loyal blog followers but I’m going to have to stop. For five minutes so I can put him out in the back yard.
9:07 p.m. Whew. Much better. OK let’s do this.
9:08 p.m. So I think the real question here is which guy will Courtney have sex with/kill first on “Bachelor Pad, Season 3″?
9:11 p.m. I thought Ben was afraid of heights. Or is that just in California?
9:13 p.m. One string? Are you sure Jennifer? Because to me it looked like three. And two cables the size of telephone poles.
9:21 p.m. Wait, so Blakely’s a stripper AND a hairdresser? So confused …
9:26 p.m. STAT OF THE DAY: “The Biggest Loser” has produced more successful marriages than “The Bachelor.”
9:37 p.m. Serious question: How many penises do you think Courtney has cut off in her lifetime?
9:39 p.m. Sorry. Penii.
9:47 p.m. Normally I’d be in favor of some good old fashioned Grecco Roman wrestling when two bachelorettes disagree but for some reason I’m afraid this time it might end in homicide. Or at the very least dismemberment. Courtney scares me.
9:53 p.m. CHRIS: “Ladies. There are roses on a plate. If you get one, that’s a good thing. If you don’t, that’s bad. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go stand just off camera until one is left to remind you that there is only one rose left. Good luck. Smiles at camera.”
DIRECTOR: (Off camera) “CUT! Goddamn it, Harrison! How hard is this?!”
9:57 p.m. Wow. Emily. Is. Lucky. If Ben hadn’t given her a rose I’m 100% sure Courtney would have blown her limo up.
9:58 p.m. And so concludes another two hours of my life wasted. And it was totally awesome. Let’s do it again next week. Until then, say your goodbyes and get the hell out of here.
9:59 p.m. BONUS POST: Wait. Is Ben a drug dealer now?
> This entry was written by , posted on January 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm, filed under Uncategorized and tagged "The Bachelor", bachelorettes, Ben, Bryce Donovan, Crazy Train, what's her butt. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.
